Hi there
Hope you’ve all had a good week. Mine has been – how shall I put this? – eventful.
I wrote last week about downsizing/rightsizing (thanks for all your lovely messages) and how in a fortnight we are moving out of our family home of nearly a quarter of a century. It’s exhausting both physically and mentally packing everything up. The good news is that we’ve finally exchanged contracts, so the sale is done.
The more challenging news? Well, the flat we were buying has fallen through. Eek. Bit of a curve ball, particularly since we heard we had nowhere to go just after we’d signed everything irrevocably on the sale. Of course!
I felt a bit like I’d been punched in the stomach…not helped by being told on the phone just as we were driving back into London having dropped our eldest at Oxford to do her Masters. (The days of moving huge amounts of stuff around the country plus the drive are always exhausting and we’d been going since 9am.) But I suppose there is never a good time to get bad news.
It did get me thinking though.
Change is our new permanent state
Perma-change is now a constant for pretty much all of us, whether that’s because of the shifting tectonics of global politics, climate change or just navigating the more personal choppy waters of the midlife clusterfuxk.
It’s not just all of us at NOON either. I’ve been doing a lot of corporate keynotes recently.
Now, I have 4 that I offer:
- The lucrative consumer no one is thinking about
- The challenges of longevity
- Learning to Sing the Song of Yourself
- Change
I added Change as a bit of an afterthought. I talk about the tools we need to survive and thrive during change in the work world and share some stories and tips. It has become the most popular by far – I did it twice last week. (If you’d like me to talk at your company, do contact my speaking agent andrew@speakingoffice.com. I’d love to come.)
So being in the midst of a massive domestic change has got me thinking again about the muscles we need to successfully steer ourselves through it.
The steps to take during change
For starters it’s worth remembering the phrase that saved me when I got whacked from The Sunday Times: “Change is difficult”.
Then embrace these steps:
Navigating Change – Step 1:
The first step to navigating turmoil is self-compassion: Accepting it is hard and choppy and approaching ourselves (and our loved ones) with kindness and curiosity as it unfolds is essential.
Most of all, when we’re struggling, we need to treat ourselves with the same kindness we would our most beloved friend or family member.
Navigating Change – Step 2:
The second step is realising there are no shortcuts: Can’t go over it, can’t go under it, got to go through it says in the kids book We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. So true.
The phrase that keeps rattling round my head this week is rather darker: Edgar in King Lear Act iv scene 1 – “The worst is not, So long as we can say, ‘This is the worst’”. That is, as long as we are still here and talking, the worst has not yet befallen us. Yup – slightly gallows humour, but it’s keeping me going!
What I learned about change at the London Circle
We had a wonderfully rich and engaging London Circle at AllBright on Tuesday where the theme was “How do we hold ourselves together while going through massive change?” (Yes, I admit I was definitely seeking both solace and tips, which you all provided aplenty.)
What did we learn? Well, that there is a big difference between seeking change and having change thrust upon us. There was lots of chat about the lack of agency we feel when, for example, we are made redundant (or our breadwinner partner is made redundant).
One Queenager explained how when she felt she had the least control over what was going on and was most anxious, she took up weight training. “I found something I had agency over and concentrated on that. Feeling stronger in my physical self made it easier to navigate the uncertainty.”
Another who had been freelance for decades said she only works with people she likes and she puts aside at least a morning a week to be strategic about where her next job is going to come from. Again, taking back agency by being strategic in the face of the unknown.
How spirituality & gratitude can help
Navigating Change – Step 3:
Another big help – one which is not discussed often enough – is spirituality.
I was struck by how many of us in the group had found a connection to a higher power a huge comfort in the face of huge uncertainty. I took up meditating during Covid, after my redundancy, when I was so anxious the fear pulsing inside of me was a constant.
I learnt that spending 30 minutes every morning after I woke up meditating, spending some time with myself and convening with Source, my ancestors, the void (whatever you prefer to name it) was immensely soothing, both in the moment and for the rest of the day.
It gave me perspective – as did hugely anchoring myself in gratitude for all the amazingly good things in my life.
My granny was right!
My granny always used to say, “Count your blessings” – she was so right! This leaning into gratitude is now a huge plank of my daily practice.
I first saw the benefits of gratitude when I took psylocibin on retreat in Jamaica: if my thoughts took a self-pitying or despairing tone during the trip, everything would go dark and hopeless. However, if I went through everything I loved and was grateful for and thought about that instead, immediately my mind went gold and luminous, flooded with light and love.
That works even if you’re not on mushrooms (you may be glad to know!).
Gratitude lifts our mood
Gratitude is always the first place I go to shift my mood. And when it comes to uncertainty, I learnt that summoning it all in, breathing all of the unknown into the back of my heart and lying back on it – a bit like on a lilo – helped me realise that in the midst of all that change (and the fear and anxiety around it) was also the possibility of something wonderful, golden and new.
I discovered that the bigger connection I found with the universe allowed me to put my own issues into perspective. Feeling connected to everything, every living being, the sun, the sea, all of creation, feeling truly part of the flow of all life made my own worries and concerns smaller and more manageable.
Take a moment right now and do it: Spend a few minutes contemplating the things that you are grateful for. Those are yours. That pleasure and gratitude persists even during your time of change. Let the pleasure of it flow over you.
We need to hang on to our spiritual practices – whatever they are – and hold the hope. One wise Queenager said of her own spiritual adventures in breathwork and meditation: “It’s as if you meet yourself again through the spirituality – like you give birth to a new more grounded, more calm, version of yourself.”
How spirituality helps one Queenager:
‘You meet yourself again through spirituality – like you give birth to a new more grounded, more calm, version of yourself’
Other things we discussed being grateful for at the Circle:
- Nature
- Running
- Sitting under a tree and reflecting
- Singing
A moving story about an ailing mother
One woman talked about how every night she puts her mother, who is 94 and has Alzheimer’s, to bed. Her mum used to be a dancer, and even though she now has no memory, when her daughter plays her favourite music, her mum dances again. They dance together.
Some of the Queenagers in the group had survived really tragic and traumatic changes: the death of a beloved spouse, a cancer diagnosis, sexual assault, an abusive parent. They talked about the resilience that comes when our backs are against the wall.
“You think, How would I ever cope with that? But the truth is when you have to, you do…” said one.
Words of wisdom from a childfree single Queenager
There was much chat about the sweetness and grace we find in resilience. One Queenager talked about having a breast cancer diagnosis, she’s just got through 20 weeks of chemo.
Like a third of our community, she is childfree and has no partner – but she does have a huge circle of friends. So when her chemo began she created a WhatsApp group and had at least one and usually three or four of her mates at ALL her chemo sessions.
She was put up for 2 weeks after surgery by a new friend and said she had never felt so loved and supported. An added bonus was that all her friends got to know and like each other. “I’d be lying in hospital pretty out of it watching two mates chatting away at the end of the bed.”
Be bold and ASK
Which brings us to the next strategy…
Navigating Change – Step 4:
We have to reach and connect with other people to give us the support we need. Reaching out also helps other people, giving them connections and making them know they are part of a wider whole.
The Queenager I mentioned above made a powerful observation of the tribe that helped during her health issues:
“The hardest thing was the ASKING: None of us are good at asking for help, but I know now that people actually like to be asked. You just have to be specific about exactly what you need them to do and when. And choose the most appropriate person for each job.” Good advice!
The generosity of people when we are in trouble is indeed a balm. I know this personally. (Thank you to everyone who has offered me somewhere to live – truly I am so touched.)
And it proves the NOON maxim that we need a new tribe to help us become a new version of ourselves; that we co-create together the support and love that we need to get us through.
To that end there was much talk of finding new friendships across the generations through shared passions. I’ve been celebrating that lately in my own life.
On the night that we heard our new house wasn’t going to happen, I went to a gig with one of the people I love best: He is 26, the son of some friends and he’s been living with us on and off for the last 3 years.
We went to see a Spanish reggae band called Iseo Dodo Sound at the Jazz Café. He and my younger daughter introduced me to it, I particularly love the track Ice in the Frozen Desert.
Being surrounded by hundreds of young ‘uns dancing and delirious with joy was a tonic. The Queenagers all talked about the fun of making new friends of different ages, the perspectives, the fun, the sense of a shared passion and age not mattering. Hooray to that!
Navigating Change – Step 5:
Sometimes, if we don’t know what we want in a big change, it can help to just try something. After all, ruling out what we don’t want can be as important as discovering what we do.
The most important lesson of managing difficult change (perhaps)
What emerged, truly, was the power of being intentional through change.
Grip the agency we do have.
Drop any sense of self-flagellation, all those ‘oughts’ or ‘shoulds’.
Notice what is showing up for us and trusting it (nothing wrong with a little serendipity), and accepting that the things or people that show up do so for a reason.
One way is by coming to a NOON Circle, to explore, weather and even embrace change.
Change = space to live better
And as I write in my book, huge loss clears the ground for something new to grow if we are brave enough to stick with it. Change means letting go of something that was once integral. It is painful. Yes, repeat after me: Change is hard.
But change is also evidence of life and it is the only true certainty. In the 100-year life that so many of us are going to be lucky enough to live, we have to get better at embracing it, calling it in and navigating it, even when it is thrust upon us.
I’d love to know how you are navigating change or what has been most helpful – do tell me eleanor@noon.org.uk or leave a comment on this Instagram post where I talk about change as our Circle topic of the month
Xx
Eleanor
Managing our mothers in midlife
Freud knew it, I know it (I’ve written before about my relationship with my own mother), you might know it too: Our relationships with our mothers can be fraught.
At our Queenagers and Mothers event in London on October 14th we will tackle the challenges of our mothers as we age. The event will also feature the NOON Advisory board member and brilliant therapist and author Julia Bueno.
Tues 14 October 2025
6:30 – 8:30pm
Theramex HQ, SW1H
NOON Pro Members go FREE
NOON Standard Members: £20
General admission: £25
