Hi there
We did it. I’m writing this from my new office in our new rented house; the first time I have sat at this desk or written anything on my computer since we moved in yesterday.
I suppose it is fitting that my first missive should be The Queenager newsletter; writing this newsletter has been at the centre of my huge life shift over the past 5 years. Thank you for reading it! I mean that: The simple act of you reading regular installments of this newsletter is the foundation on which NOON is built.
And if you read last week’s version, you’ll know that the past few weeks for me have been a bit of a mini clusterfuxk. They say that moving house is up there with life’s most stressful events. I definitely agree.
It really felt like being kicked in the stomach when we found out the flat we were in the process of buying had fallen through…2 hours after we had exchanged contracts on our old home! There was no going back. Queue a frantic search for a rental we could move into exactly 10 days later.
In our age of text and email it still pays mega-dividends to actually speak to people
My tip for panic-finding a place to live
A word of advice if you are ever in this situation: By the time a rental is on RightMove, it has already gone. My old journalistic skills of picking up the phone and doing research were crucial. I spoke to every estate agent within a 2-mile radius, explaining the situation and offering 6 months’ rent in advance. Eventually – BINGO – one of them came up trumps.
There weren’t even particulars for our rental; it wasn’t yet on the market when we nabbed it. It was a good reminder: Deals are all about relationships; in our age of text and email it still pays mega-dividends to actually speak to people. Interestingly, there was a big news story last week about Gen Z in the workplace and how actually talking to a stranger is beyond them. Know that the art of conversation is a Queenager superpower!
So what have I learnt from the trials of the past few weeks? First, that I am amazingly lucky. Lucky to have sold our house in a stagnant London market, lucky to have had a house to sell and lucky to have found the house we are now in. The situation has also highlighted that there’s a big difference between a huge change which we actively call in ourselves (eg selling a house) to having a massive change thrust upon us (eg being made redundant).
What choosing change means
When we choose change in our lives, even if it scares us or provokes a bit of chaos, we have agency. My husband and I decided that it was time to sell up and move into a new midlife phase. We decided that our hands-on lives as day-to-day parents – the getting the kids up, giving them breakfast, the being there bit – was now done.
Yes, we understand the kids may boomerang back for periods. But the era of life where we need a space to warehouse and raise everyone is over. The focus now is back on us and our choices.
So we chose: No mortgage (yes, that feels GOOD). And a downsize (sorry, right-size) to a home in the same neighbourhood (we are only 10 minutes’ walk from our old home). That was the theory. Choice. Moving deliberately into the future. Hah!
Our choice was great…in theory
The emotional reality has been much more stormy. I didn’t sleep much last week as the days counted down to the move on Thursday; it was as if we were holding our breath, waiting anxiously to go over the waterfall….
When the burly team of packers from Cadogan Tate arrived on Thursday morning and began dismantling 2 decades of life in our home and loading them into boxes, I cried.
I hid in my old office as they stuffed my daughters’ old teddy bears into cartons, followed by my jumpers, clothes, files, the whole kitchen…all our camping kit from the eaves, every single ornament, picture and even the bins. It felt like they were rummaging through my innards, trampling through my secret private places.
Home is so visceral – a concept and an experience, made up of all that funny life detritus, old birthday cards, never-worn necklaces, a postcard from a long-forgotten exhibition, favourite pictures on the wall – and of course books. We thought we’d done quite well as we’d gone through our mega library and thrown out over 200 books, along with sundry clothes and crap. My husband has made more than 20 trips to the local recycling centre. And still, there was a mountain of stuff.
While the cheerful movers boomed out Heart 80s and packed up our lives, we had the horrid experience of having nothing to do. It got better once they’d cleared out enough that we could start the deep clean.
My husband has been cleaning paintwork, particularly skirting boards, for weeks, “cleaning ourselves out” he termed it. I’d been away leading our NOON retreat in Wales and then super busy last Monday and Tuesday: Doing a client debrief on our divorce research, going on a podcast, hosting an online NOON Circle and a wonderful Queenagers and their mothers event.
By the time of the move, I was on my knees with exhaustion. Yet it was a weirdly mental, anxious kind of “knackeration”, which found a strange peace and solace when I was focussing on just one thing: cleaning.
Enjoying the elbow grease while removing real grease
Cleaning was my meditation
Scrubbing the tiles in my old bathroom with wire wool to remove the stains in the grout was peculiarly soothing; the smell of the products, the rhythm and elbow grease of the work. I connected to my inner washerwoman and proceeded to scrub, vacuum, mop and dust my way through the entire house, finishing up on my knees cleaning the radiator by the front door.
Not only did it feel right to leave the home I loved in as good a state as possible for its next owners, it also felt appropriate to eradicate ourselves from the place.
Just as our furniture and stuff was taken out, so was any scrap of us removed: a ritual cleansing of not only the space but also of ourselves.
It was given extra power by several necessary “reboot” cold swims in the pond. Every time I doused my head in the cold grey water, I felt reset. Watching the yellow, gold and orange leaves drifting to the ground was a reminder that this is the season for shedding and that that was what I was doing too. I found peace and equanimity again in nature, water and the flow of physical toil.
And then…I got excited
Friday, the day of the move, was frantic but much more upbeat and exciting than the packing. That morning our house was empty bar our bed and a few final sundries. Two mighty lorries set off with our life packed into them.
As they rounded the corner, my husband remembered his bike, still in the shed, so he decided to ride to the new house. Off he pedalled as I walked out backwards, mopping our very footprints from the foyer as I went.
I put the keys in the key box for the last time. I said a profound thank you and farewell to the house where I breastfed my kids, dropped them to their first days of school and saw them grow into gorgeous adults.
Then I climbed into my car and drove 5 minutes to start the new phase of my life in a new house.
The case for decluttering
Moving in felt much more exciting than I thought it would. It also made me realise how silly some of my decisions on keeping stuff had been – my new closet is a lesson in mindful letting go.
I’ve made a resolution that anything I’ve put on the higher, less accessible shelf and haven’t worn by this time next year is going to the charity shop. Ditto as I unpacked the kitchen: Anything that didn’t spark joy (thank you, Marie Kondo) went straight into a box to be recycled. The process of packing it all up and unpacking it has made me much less sentimental. I’ve vowed that from now on less is more!
I’m finding pleasure in my new home
This morning I woke up in my own bed but in a new bedroom, had coffee on my favourite sofa which now lives in a new sitting room and am now typing this on my usual computer at my old desk, in front of a new view. There are London plane trees and sycamores in front of me and the window looks out onto gardens.
It is much quieter here than in our old house – peaceful. Outside I can see leaves falling slowly and pigeons, blue tits and robins flitting about. There is a sun terrace next to my desk where I’ll work when the weather is clement.
There is still much to do. But we’ve got the kitchen unpacked (trying to cook something on the first night was hilarious, I’d try to find a saucepan and end up unwrapping 25 wine glasses… it took a while).
A new way I’ve learned to approach change
I talk about change a lot – in my books, at Circles, this very newsletter – and I acknowledge, change is DIFFICULT. It requires courage and resilience and it doesn’t always go according to plan (don’t I know it). It is emotional saying goodbye to something we have loved then move into an unknown future.
But I also think that getting ahead of the change and acknowledging, as in our case, that things have already changed and our actions are actually just catching up with the reality is healthy and necessary.
Our girls are grown-up and have already flown the nest. They will come back but not in the same way. If we don’t change, we end up living in a carapace, a mausoleum to what was – not embracing the reality of the now and thinking of a more exciting future.
It’s a period to realise: Things have already changed
All of us are going to have to do this to a greater and lesser extent. Remember: Midlife is the chrysalis. It is when everything changes.
Part of setting ourselves up for our wonderful next act of Queenager becoming is getting ahead of the change, prepping ourselves up for the next chapter – not allowing ourselves to be trapped in the past.
(By the way, if you are a Queenager running your own business, a smart way to embrace change is to get the business and financial advice that fits what you’re doing now and what you want your business to become. Scroll down to read about how I did about how you can too.)
Thank you so much for reading – this week and all weeks.
Xxx
Eleanor
P.S. It was so great to meet lots of new faces at the Mothers event last week. Many of you said you had been reading The Queenager newsletter for a while but not come to a NOON gathering…and that you were kicking yourselves because you had such a great time when you did come.
So if that’s you – if you are a long-term lurker – come and get involved. Here are some events to tempt you.
We’re having a NOON Christmas party on December 9th. Mark your calendars and look out for event details this week; spaces are limited and you won’t want to miss out!
We have a NOON London Circle on November 4th plus 20 others around the country that free to members – see them all the Events page. Our next Online Circle will take place in November.
And we have a NOON Book Club on October 28th where we’re talking about my book Much More to Come, now out in paperback. All are welcome!
So what are you waiting for? 🤔 😍
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I had the vision…but not all the skills
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Sometimes hiring this kind of help is perceived to be a frivolous or unnecessary expense when we’re just getting started. We focus on immediate expenses rather than long-term planning and efficiency. We figure, we’ll sort it all with accounting software and that will be “good enough”.
It’s so much more than tax advice
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Check it out…and let me know what you think! What challenges are you coping with with your business or side hustle? What would really help?
