Hi there
Next month on 30 May one of our first NOON Icons, the author Raynor Winn, hits screens around the country in The Salt Path film. Actually, it will be Gillian Anderson starring as Raynor, but I can’t help feeling excited that even more people will discover the wonderful story and Queenager message from Raynor’s first book and runaway bestseller. (She’s since written 2 more books – The Wild Silence and Landlines.)
Raynor was one of our very first guests on our NOON Instagram 4 years ago. She spoke to me about losing everything – her home, her security, her husband’s health – and about how a huge loss in midlife can turn into a huge win.
What you need to know about Raynor Winn
In case you haven’t read it yet: Raynor’s story chronicles how, after losing their house and livelihood in a court case, she and her husband Moth set out to walk the South West Coast Path around Devon and Cornwall. They walked because they had nothing else to do and nowhere else to live except for their small two-man tent. They hoped this odyssey would improve Moth’s health and bring clarity about the next steps.
Living entirely in the now, walking in nature, wild camping and eating noodles not only rekindled their relationship but also gave Raynor the material to write a book which saved their financial lives.
When we spoke, Raynor said something to me that I have never forgotten:
“Eleanor, in the space that a huge loss brings, there is room for something new to grow.”
Many of you may have heard me say that since I chatted with Raynor years ago. These words comforted me when I was dealing with my own big midlife loss of identity after being made redundant after 20+ years. And in the four years hence, I have sat in so many NOON Circles with you all and seen over and over the wisdom of Raynor’s sentence.
It’s a beautiful story of Queenager reinvention.
We’re planning an outing of the NOON Film Club to see The Salt Path. Stay tuned for details
Losing what we thought we were can be agony but it’s necessary to begin anew. It’s a new “Becoming” – a fresh stage of precious life from age 50 when we get a chance to become the women we always wanted to be.
Raynor Winn has to be one of the patron saints of that magical transformation.
Look out for information about our upcoming Film Club outing to see The Salt Path together … or if you see it yourself, let me know what you think about it! (Email me or comment on our Instagram.)
And speaking of Becoming….
Why Michelle Obama says ‘no’
One of my total Queenager icons, Michelle Obama, has shone a light on the possibilities and beauty of midlife in a gripping new podcast, IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson (her brother).
Like many others, I have long been a Michelle Obama fan; the grace with which she handled being First Lady and the inspiring and personal nature of her autobiography Becoming clearly proclaimed her as an extraordinary woman.
I was also lucky enough to meet Michelle in person during a visit to a school in a deprived part of East London, where she mesmerised a class of teenage girls as she spoke to them about growing up poor and sharing a bedroom with her brother in an impoverished part of Chicago. “When I see you, I see myself” she told them. But if they worked hard and grabbed all the opportunities that education afforded them, she said, they too could flourish.
‘No is a full sentence’
Her talk was all about deferred gratification, working hard for the long term, duty and doing the right thing. This is a woman who has grafted for everything she has in her life. Which is why I cheered aloud while listening to this podcast. “No is a full sentence,” she proclaimed. “It’s so important to give ourselves permission to make decisions that protect our peace.” That should be a Queenager mantra!
Michelle, 61, explained publicly for the first time why she decided NOT to attend President Trump’s inauguration on Jan 20th (nor Jimmy Carter’s funeral the week before) alongside her husband, former President Barak Obama. The decision fuelled quite the internet pile-on, with rumours abounding about the state of the Obama marriage; many commentators said her absence meant the couple were getting divorced.
But Michelle insists it was nothing like that. The reason she didn’t go was simple: She didn’t want to.
Boom!
After decades of taking one for the team and supporting her husband and daughters, she followed her heart and said no. That was what made me punch the air as I listened. I’m sure she’s done enough people-pleasing as First Lady and first mother to last a lifetime. And like so many women in midlife, she’s discovered the power of saying NO.
Does this sound like you?
Our NOON research found ABC1 UK women aged 45-60 agreed, “This period of my life is finally about looking after me not everyone else – it’s finally MY turn”.
I hear from a lot of NOON members that you’ve started doing what is right for yourself personally rather than because it’s ‘the right thing to do’. By following her heart – and proudly declaring it – Michelle is a beacon for all women of all ages, another encouragement to put our own needs first.
Michelle dishes on why she skipped Trump’s inauguration
“My decision to skip the inauguration — you know what people don’t realise or my decision to make choices at the beginning of this year that suited me were met with such ridicule and criticism,” she said.
“People couldn’t believe that I was saying no for any other reason. They had to assume that my marriage was falling apart. While I’m here really trying to own my life and intentionally practice making the choice that was right for me.”
She added, “It took everything in my power to not do the thing that was perceived as right, but do the things that [were] for me – that was a hard thing for me to do.”
On Sophia Bush’s Work in Progress podcast, Michelle talked about how women are often criticised for putting themselves first. “This couldn’t be a grown woman just making a set of decisions for herself, right? But that’s what society does to us. We start actually finally going, ‘What am I doing? Who am I doing this for?’”
When we say no, we also help younger women
This conscious decision was not just for herself but to model putting her own needs first – finally – for her daughters Malia Obama, 26, and Sasha Obama, 23.
“I want them to start practicing now the art of saying ‘no,’” she said on her own podcast. ” It’s a muscle that you have to build, because if you don’t constantly build it, you don’t develop it.” Even if we don’t have children, other women in our lives – including girls – can see us prioritising our own time and our own needs.
She added, “I feel like it’s time for me to make some big girl decisions about my life and own it fully.”
Michelle: Finally a big girl!
There are very few models for the later stages of women’s lives might look like. That’s why Michelle Obama’s lead – her articulating so powerfully her right to say NO – matters so much.
After decades of supporting her husband and raising her girls in the glare of public scrutiny, this highly intelligent lawyer, administrator and badass-Queenager is finding her own voice.
More high-profile women amplifying the NOON community’s ethos: We’re part of a Queenager revolution that is spreading!
What I’ve started saying No to
It’s hard and weird the first time we say NO when we normally would have said Yes. It could be deciding not to see a friend who drains rather than energises us or not attending a family event which is always ghastly.
Here are some of the things I’ve started saying no to:
- Speaking at events for free – My time is my money
- Makeup every day – It was a faff and took up time which can be better spent doing something else. I also wondered why I was painting on a falsely youthful veneer. (Even Pamela Anderson has said no to makeup!)
- Anything that interrupts my ritual of swimming outside at lunchtime, if possible – This bit of meditation and exercise is a vital daily reset.
- Constant multi-tasking – This used to be my normal. I would pride myself on cramming in multiple activities at once: making constant phone calls in the car or while walking to the station or making supper. Now I just do what I am doing … and enjoy being in the moment. Less really is more.
So next time you really don’t want to do something but feel like you should say ‘yes’, because it is expected, just think of Michelle O – and just say NO.
What are you saying no to? Again, we’d love to hear about it on these posts on Instagram or Facebook.
xx
Eleanor
