I’m just back from 2 days in Paris – City of Light, yes, but also city of romance. That’s appropriate because today’s Queenager newsletter is all about love. Now, I know popular culture is awash with tropes about how after a certain age it’s impossible to find a partner – but that’s not what I see in our NOON community.
Next week one of my oldest and dearest friends is getting married again: In full white with plenteous junior bridesmaids and page boys, at the university church of our old alma mater. It’s going to be quite the gathering: She’s marrying a man who was part of our scene back then. And as “Queen hen” (her phrase not mine) I was responsible for a very jolly hen night a couple of weeks ago where we surprised ourselves by dancing at the Groucho Club till 2am. Amidst all the sorrow of relationships coming to an end in midlife through bereavement or divorce. It’s important to celebrate the joy of new unions and happy partnerships in this Queenager ‘age of becoming’.
My friend Avivah Wittenberg Cox documents this midlife romantic pivot in her book Late Love: Mating in Maturity. It tells the story of the messy and painful end of her first marriage and the flourishing of a new relationship with an old friend.
She writes:
“It reminded me of birdsong. The way birds sing out in mating and then hear a matching call that echoes their tune. I suddenly heard my own song sung by another soul. There is no sound more deeply comforting in all the world. It bids loneliness goodbye and ushers you into the land of an aliveness that has not left me since.”
Avivah is a great advocate of finding new, true love in your 50s or 60s, insistent that we are never too old and it is never too late.
New love in “old” age
(You know I’m using that word facetiously.)
As if I needed any more persuading, I got a text just as I arrived at the Gare du Nord last week from a NOON Circle host (51) saying: “I just got engaged!” Unlike my uni friend, who got divorced after quarter of a century with her first husband, this Queenager is getting married for the first time. She says it’s taken her this long to know herself well enough to find the right person and that he really is ‘the one’. She has never been happier.
The next day another Queenager popped up on my Instagram announcing she had also got engaged for the first time, at 54. She lost her beloved sister in Covid, as well as her dad, got made redundant and was having the full on midlife clusterfuxk. “Now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life” she said.
She is far from alone. In the London Circle recently there’s been a flurry of new partners and a strong beat of: “I’ve waited a long time but I’ve finally found the right fit.”
In midlife romance, we can ask for what we want
That’s not surprising. By this point we know more about who we are and what we do, (and don’t) want. “I’ve finally learnt that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about my partner, it works for me!” one of you said recently. I resonate with that.
When I met my own husband backpacking in India nearly 30 years ago, my friends were like, “What? You’ve fallen in love with a juggler you met in Hampi?”
But here we still are, 2 daughters and 3 decades later. I just knew that he was my foil, my balance; it was like my awakened self was saying, THIS, THIS don’t let him slip away. There’s that old phrase, ‘When you know, you know’. And like many clichés, it has become one because it’s true.
But there’s something else going on in these new midlife relationships. A sense that at this stage we can write our own rules: “I was with my husband for 20 years,” says another divorced Queenager.
We can renegotiate what we want
“When we got divorced, I promised myself that I would never be in another relationship where I had to pick up a man’s socks. These days I have a boyfriend, but we don’t live together. We’re not in that phase of building a life together, having kids, starting our careers. In my late 50s, I want a relationship on my own terms – and it doesn’t need to be conventional.”
That rings true to me. I have another friend who has just remarried but isn’t living with her husband: They are keeping their own households.
That is actually a common refrain within the NOON Circles. One NOON lady in a new relationship told me: “It’s much more about what I want now: I have a dream of a bolthole by the sea where I can surf regularly. I either need a partner who is into that too, or one who’s happy for me to go off and do that without him. After years of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of mine, in this relationship I am very clear that it has to fit with what I want.”
It’s ok to want a relationship in midlife
Last week we were talking about our ‘Fxxx it, I’m doing it’ and our ‘Fxxx that, I’m NOT doing it anymore’ lists. One of the ladies said: “On my dreamlist is finding a nice partner – is that allowed?”
“Of COURSE it’s allowed!” we all said. Intimacy is one of the great boons in life.
As I write in my book Much More to Come: “What I missed wasn’t having someone to do things with. I’ve got lots of friends. No, it’s having someone to do NOTHING with: lazy mornings, going for a stroll, the luxury of not having to plan.” I think of my relationship as having an “intimate witness” – someone who cares (or sometimes just pretends to care) about what you had for lunch.
Because it’s ok to want a partner AND to fulfil your own needs and dreams.
The whole point of this stage in life is that we get to choose what works for us – and it doesn’t need to fit into anyone else’s definition of what’s right.
When I interviewed Carol Vorderman on the Queenager podcast, she explained that she has a few lovers who come and go, that works for her and it’s nobody else’s business.
Others of you are dating, playing the field and having “rather more adventurous sex than I ever had before!” as one of you put it. But it’s also fine to be done with the whole romantic caboodle and to be happy on your own.
The good news is that if you are looking for a partner in your Queenager years then it really is NOT all gloom and doom.
This Queenager phase is about doing what suits us. It is ALL possible.
Come dating with NOON
In the spirit of love, NOON is here to help. On July 9th Fiona Lambert, a great Queenager and author of a new book S.A.S. Sixty and Single: Your Survival Guide to Dating, is cohosting a dinner with me at the Wilton Arms in Knightsbridge (where we do the London Circle). But it’s a dinner with a difference.
Rather than bring a bottle, it’s “bring a bloke”. We thought, most of us have a male friend who isn’t right for us but might be perfect for someone else, so we’ll share them around.
It’ll be a table for 20, and we’ll rotate after each course so everyone gets to chat with each other. If you don’t have a male friend, don’t worry, we’ve got some extra ones on board. It’s all about a lovely evening out with good company, nice food and interesting conversation. Absolutely no pressure!
If you are interested in coming, email me eleanor@noon.org.uk and we’ll give you the details. There are only 10 spots so let me know asap if you fancy it. And do check out Fiona’s Instagram if you’d like to know more.
NEW event: Discussing love with Raynor Winn
Finally, talking of love, one of the great Queenager romances in my view is the one Raynor Winn tells in The Salt Path. Their story is about love and dedication even in hard times.
Raynor and her story are a phenomenon – and now I’m going to be interviewing her (played in the new movie by Gillian Anderson) at the UPP Picture House in Oxford at 5pm on July 10th, with a private showing of the movie afterwards.
The event is in aid of Crisis and the ticket price includes a donation to the charity. This will be a great opportunity to meet Raynor, ask her your questions and mingle with lots of other Queenagers, all the while raising money for homelessness. Hope to see you there. Get your tickets here.
Much love
Eleanor
