Conversations can be a bit awkward for me at this time of year.
“What are you doing for Christmas?”
“I have a quiet one at home” has become my stock answer. It’s vague enough to avoid further questions – and then I quickly follow it up with a “How about you?”
My most awkward Christmas conversation
Years ago I made a mistake. I can’t remember what I said to a colleague about not visiting family, but her response was a statement rather than a question: “I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your parents.”
She said it again and again. Loudly. In an open plan office. I wanted the floor to open up beneath me.
Thinking back, I’m shocked now at the lack of compassion and tact. There was no gentle enquiry or offer of support. I’m glad she didn’t try guessing the reason, because for me, it’s personal.
Nowadays of course I’d say it was none of her business and walk off. I don’t dread being asked about my plans anymore, but I do still feel a little on edge sometimes, bracing myself, just in case.
How I talk about celebrating Christmas alone
This week, a short conversation at the office coffee machine with someone I don’t even know – the chat something about busyness and pressure – ended with:
Me: “I finish this week.”
Her: “But then there’s all the family stuff.”
Me: “I’m on my own so I don’t have to worry about all that.”
I picked up my double espresso and walked off. I was grateful I hadn’t opted for a large mug of something complicated and grateful I didn’t react with frustration – I didn’t mutter something like not everyone has family to visit.
Think about emails too this time of year
And then there are the emails signed off with “We wish you and your family….”
We don’t all have families to spend the time with. People are separated by physical distance, break-ups, divorce, bereavement, estrangement, financial worries, work, illness. All sorts. Sometimes out of choice. Sometimes not.
What is my Christmas like?
I’ve spent Christmas day on my own for years, and I have a confession to make: I love it.
I have my own traditions I’ve built up over the years. I go to the last Christmas Eve screening of It’s a Wonderful Life: Comfy seat, glass of wine, a few tears welling up during the final scene. Last year it was packed and everyone cheered at the end.
Another festive favourite for me is Babes In Toyland. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve seen the 1986 TV movie about a young girl who wakes up in the Toyland and must overthrow the evil villain – featuring a very young Keanu Reeves and an even younger Drew Barrymore. It’s good fun and has the best car chase I’ve ever seen.
I’ve also laughed my way through multiple viewings of the Toy Story films, and Wallace and Gromits too.
What’s on the menu?
Another plus of celebrating Christmas alone is that I’m free to eat what I like…and that doesn’t always mean a Christmas menu. I have no obligation to stick to the same dinner year in year out. (Every year I wonder if next year I’ll just have chips.)
Over the years I’ve perfected one of my favourite dishes: I’ve learnt how to make a pretty mean mushroom wellington. Last year I even made my own pastry. I can happily spend ages in my little kitchen listening to a podcast while manually fine chopping mushrooms to make the duxelles.
This year I’m using the duxelles to stuff roasted red onion squash with roast potatoes. I’m giving the wellington a pass because I’m pastried out. See, I can do that…and no one complains. And I’ve tried all the tips for roast potatoes, and cheat by cutting up a microwaved baking potato and putting that in the oven to crisp up.
If something goes wrong while cooking, who cares? I can hide any problems with a good thick gravy and low lighting. Plus there’s no pressure to follow any timetable or someone else’s schedule. I aim to have dinner around sunset so I can eat by candlelight – but that’s a flexible plan, not an imperative.
Money that used to be spent on gifts and cards gets donated to favourite charities.
And I stay in my jammies all day.
Let’s rethink how we describe the solo Christmas
On behalf of everyone who is dreading awkward conversations about their plans – and as someone who thinks a lot about words and struggles a bit with the use of the word “family” – I believe that at work, with friends and acquaintances, and in society we should choose our words gently.
I’m upset by the conversations and the emails focussed on family not because I don’t spend my Christmas with one. They upset me because they leave out a huge part of our society.
Instead of “family”, “loved ones” feels a lot more inclusive – be that your actual relatives, friends, pets, plants, wildlife, even your favourite movie star….
What if you dread celebrating Christmas alone?
While I love my solo time, I know a lot of people really struggle. If that’s you, there is support from Mind, Samaritans, CALM and others. If you have an EAP service amongst your work benefits, make sure you know how to access that before you sign off for the holidays.
And no matter how you choose to spend the festive season, honour and enjoy the time you spend with yourself!
– Angela Dunne, Bid Writer at Elliott Wood Partnership Ltd
