Divorce advice for women from our landmark research

One of the main issues that recurred during our research was the lack of support and advice midlife women felt they received during, and after, their divorce.

According to our report ‘Beyond the Break: the truth about divorce in midlife for women‘, women recognise the need to obtain specialist advice – for example, by engaging a divorce lawyer or solicitor (59%) – yet few seek the help of other experts such as financial advisors (9%) or support professionals such as divorce coaches (5%) or counsellors/therapists (14%). We found the lack of uptake of professional advice surprising since 65% report concerns about their financial wellbeing and 55% report concerns about their mental wellbeing during the process.

The good news is that as a result of this research, we are able to highlight these pitfalls, and give women invaluable tips on navigating this difficult time.

1. Shop around for legal advice

Our first finding was that women found their lawyer (if they used one) either through “word of mouth” or “Google”.

(Incidentally, the use of online searches points to an opportunity for lawyers, financial advisors and others to provide high-quality content to heighten their visibility and achieve cut-through with a female-oriented divorce message to underserved women).

In the one-to-one interviews we conducted, almost all women wanted the professionals serving them to think beyond their legal or financial client needs at an early stage. They wanted someone who could support them through the entire journey, give them a road map and explain the legalese.

These women had one caveat though: A sympathetic lawyer is certainly a great help – but don’t make the mistake of using yours as a shoulder to cry on. They are too expensive with hourly rates to sit and have a moan with, and they’re not qualified as therapists.

One woman we interviewed said, “With benefit of hindsight I can see that using my lawyer as my therapist was an expensive mistake. But I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I wish at the beginning of the process I had been advised that having a team, getting a therapist and a lawyer and a forensic accountant onboard, would have served me better.”

The upshot? Tap your network of friends, colleagues and acquaintances for referrals – NOON’s divorce community and WhatsApp group for members can be a great resource for shared knowledge. And shop around if you initially don’t find someone who feels right for you.

2. Seek financial advice

We were alarmed to find that only 9% of women are taking any kind of professional financial advice during divorce. In fact, 30% of women got financial advice from a lawyer rather than a wealth manager or Independent Financial Advisor. Some also relied on what their STBExH (soon to be ex-husband) told them to do.

But enlisting a financial advisor is critical. Knowledge is power.

For example, we found many women instinctively wanted to stay in the family home without realising the value of their husband’s pensions or other assets. Currently, women retire with 35% less in their pensions than men and they live longer so considering pensions is important – particularly for mothers who didn’t or couldn’t pay into theirs.

Some women told us they fought harder for the house than anything else – then had to sell anyway because they couldn’t afford the mortgage and upkeep. While staying in your property can seem sensible and ‘cleaner’, don’t dismiss the fact that a share of the husband’s pension or other assets could be more useful and equitable in the longterm.

Take independent financial advice – even if the initial outlay seems high, you could stand to gain more in the long run.

3. Harness emotional support from the beginning

Many women we interviewed talked about holding it together and waiting until after the legal and financial aspects of divorce were sorted before dealing with their mental health. But our research shows that your emotional and mental health needs should be on a par with the more practical parts of divorce.

In truth, women need advice from the start and should be encouraged to seek the help of a therapist, advocate or divorce coach or – at the very least – encouragement of a supportive network of women who have already been through the process.

This is not only so you have people to lean on, but it will help you avoid the blind spots of the emotional process of divorce. It might seem like money you can’t afford to spend – or you think you should be strong – do not underestimate how valuable emotional support is from the start.

4. Develop a ‘dream team’

This is actually easier than it sounds, and it makes perfect sense. Think about when you got married – the chances are you had a team of people helping, whether it was professional or friends and family. You probably didn’t sew the dress, bake the cake, make the decorations, spin the records at the reception and officiate the ceremony yourself, right?

So why not have a similar team assisting you with this other massive life event? Having the right people around you is paramount.

You can start with the holy trinity of lawyer, financial advisor and therapist or divorce coach.

Then add in the others you need – either the sympathetic good listeners, or ones who have been through divorce. And we strongly recommend support forums or groups, such as the  WhatsApp group we have at NOON.

5. Remember that This Too Shall Pass

You may feel in the depths of despair, but remember that divorce leads to freedom and possibilities that will enrich your life beyond measure – just ask the 31% of women who report being happier than they have ever been post-divorce.

Staying in an unhappy or toxic relationship isn’t a healthy way to live, but with the right advice and support, you will find a path through it to a brighter future. More than 30% of divorced women in our survey said they were happier than they’d ever been after their divorce.

As we say at NOON, there is much more to come.