Hi there
When you read this I will be at Stonehenge celebrating the Solstice. I’ve never done that before but since this weekend is a key astrological moment, literally heralding a whole new era for humanity (if you buy into that kind of thing), it seemed a good moment to give it a try. I’ll report back next week!
In the meantime, I wanted to write a bit about Christmas and how it manifests for our community, as we have been discussing the festive season in all our December Circles. The first thing to say is that for every one of us it is different and presents different opportunities for joy and challenges. It’s certainly true that many of the tasks of this time fall to women – particularly Queenagers – who are in charge of 90% of the mustering, and sorting and wrapping Christmas presents.
Certainly, adverts everywhere pressure us to have a particular kind of Christmas. But those ads – the ones depicting loads of people, a table groaning with 10 different kinds of vegetables – are exactly that: adverts. They’re about getting us to spend money and make a huge effort. It’s helpful to remember that much of the festive mania is just marketing!
What we were trying to do in December Circles was to find a way through all of this that works for each of us individually. I was so inspired hearing about all your different Christmas plans.
Different Queenager ways to spend Christmas
One Queenager explained how it’s just her and her mum, so every year they go to a hotel in a different city, sit in the bar, order Christmas lunch on room service, do some exploring and have a lovely time. Others of you intentionally spend the day alone.
Celebrating Christmas alone
More than 40% of Queenagers are living on their own. It’s time we celebrated these solo days too.
Read Angela’s piece about this on the NOON website that describes how she loves the spending the day, creating a delicious meal and going to Soho to watch It’s a Wonderful Life on Christmas Eve – everyone cheers at the end! Kerri, who hosts the Bath Circle, told us about how much she loves a day spent in her PJs, quietly cooking her favourite foods, watching her version of top telly, snoozing by her Christmas tree and being peaceful.
Another woman told me her Christmas treat is a glass of champagne in the American Bar at the Savoy after the Christmas service at St Bride’s. Yet another Queenager in the London circle says she kicks of Christmas morning with a 5k run.
My late mother-in-law used to say the same: We’d ask her over for Christmas Day, but she always said she’d rather come another time – she loved her own Christmas rituals.
Whatever works for you! Give yourself a magic permission pass to do whatever makes you happy.
Letting Christmas be…whatever it happens to be
NOON Editorial Director Jennifer Howze is off to see her 90-year-old mum in Texas. “We’ll just play it by ear, if she is feeling ambitious we’ll go out. If not we’ll just hang out at my brother’s house. That really takes the pressure off. It’s just going to be about being together and making the most of this time.”
Christmas can be difficult
We also heard in the Circle from those for whom Christmas will be difficult: The first one without a beloved husband, for instance, or without a parent. Let’s remember to honour those who feel sorrow at what is “supposed” to be a happy time. Sometimes the pressure to be cheerful can compound misery; let’s give those who mourn space to do so and support them.
…And not everybody celebrates
We also heard what it is like to not observe Christmas. One Jewish Queenager works in the NHS over the whole holiday to give other colleagues the chance to take a break, but she says her kids love Christmas and have become part of their friends’ celebrations every year. Similarly, others celebrate Diwali or Eid. One said she loved being in New York or London, where the shops and cinemas are open and there is something to do.
The legacy from my childhood Christmas
I don’t find Christmas the easiest time of the year: As a child of divorced parents it was always when I felt my family was most broken, when I couldn’t have everyone I loved in the same place at the same time. It involved lots of shuffling between homes. I spent a lot of it in tears.
There is still a residue of that, but I’ve finally learnt to enjoy Christmas in my own family unit.
My own family’s Christmas tradition
Our family tradition is to swim in the Men’s Pond on Hampstead Heath (on Christmas morning they allow ladies in too). It’s quite the community event, with hordes of people in Santa hats and tinsel. I love the bracing beginning to the day in the icy water with my husband and brave daughter. Then we go home and eat tons of gravadlax, drink Champagne and open our presents.
Let’s figure out what we want this Christmas
There was much discussion about boundaries at Christmas. Figuring out what works for us, what we want to do … and what we don’t. I love the story I heard from one Queenager about how she loves sitting under her Christmas tree, with a glass of wine in the quiet.
In the past she was often so busy catering for others she didn’t get that chance. Last year she promised us she would make time to do that. And then for the first tme, she did – sending us a picture of her taking a few moments for herself. The power of the NOON community!
Hacks for hosting the big Christmas
Of course, many of us are mustering and hosting wider family or friends – but we also talked about ways to minimise the stress of that. Lots of the ladies talk about splitting the load on the cooking with everyone being deputised to bring or make a particular dish. Others are big believers in buying pre-made food so that there is more time to play games and be together.
Still others told how they’d always been the hosts for an extended family Christmas and had decided that didn’t serve them anymore so instead are visiting other relatives.
It’s important to go on interrogating our Christmas rituals and not be martyrs to what no longer serves us.
Sue Durrans, who heads our Surrey Circle, suggests taking the initiative early in the year. So if some aspect of your Christmas isn’t working, state clearly and calmly in January that you’ve done it for the last time and explain how you need Christmas 2026 to be different.
Do this Christmas journaling exercise
Every month for the Circles I send the hosts some prompts for the discussions (we’ve now got so many Circles we do this in a more formal way). If you didn’t make it to a December Circle, I thought you might like to do a bit of journaling with these prompts – a little Circle just for one.
All you need is a pen and paper: Read the questions and write down what comes to mind. I guarantee it will give you a little bit of perspective on the days ahead! Do email them to me as well (eleanor@noon.org.uk) if you prefer to type them: I’d love to know what you are thinking.
Questions to sit and contemplate
- TRADITIONS: What do you love about the festive season and how will you make sure you get a bit of that? What is your idea of relaxation and joy? How are you going to ensure in the chaos you get what you need? (I love the Carols from King’s on Christmas Eve on Radio 4 and make sure I take a quiet hour to listen to it.)
- FAMILY: How will you deal with family pressure around the festive season: Is there someone who is always tricky? A family feud? Divorce? This time of year can really magnify any family disruption or, post-bereavement, highlight the hole when someone isn’t there.
- MONEY: Some people give huge presents, others don’t – are there discrepancies in how people think about cash and gift giving in your set-up? What are the expectations and rules you are setting around Christmas generosity? We do presents just for kids in our wider family. Others talked about doing a Secret Santa where everyone buys something nice with a set price limit for one person.
- FOOD: Are you a Christmas martyr? Who are you making all that food for? I used to find myself baking a million mince pies plus a Christmas cake which no one in my family actually ate. It was an expectation left over from what happened when I was a kid. Now it’s time to work out which traditions you actually want to continue. None of this is obligatory. What do you really love and what do you really dislike? Yes, you can ditch the turkey, or have chocolate cake instead of Christmas pud.
- CONTROL: Be honest with yourself: Do you become a Christmas martyr? Could you hand over some of the work to someone else? One woman explained that her husband had said he’d do presents and the cooking to take the pressure off her, but she realised she didn’t want that. Some women moan about the burden but then don’t want to give up control…is that you? Also consider what roles you are taking on, maybe without realising?
- NEXT CHRISTMAS: Take some agency. It is probably a bit late this year to ban the mother-in-law or whomever – but how could it be different next time? Do you really need to host everyone? Could you go away somewhere instead? Could someone else host? Take some agency now so if you really think “Never again!”, you can make that a reality for next year. Start having that conversation in January 2026 so expectations are adjusted.
Also it’s not too late to give the gift of NOON to a Queenager in your life. with special limited time options of 3-month and 6-month memberships as well as an annual one.
Whatever you are doing and wherever you are, have a wonderful Christmas! And do come and join our Twixmas Circle online on December 29th and tell us all about it.
Much love,
Eleanor
