Eleanor's letter: What is the secret to a happy life?

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All of us have weeks with dark days in them – the ones that mark sad anniversaries. My dark day is February 11th, which is the birthday of my late beloved stepfather Peter. But is also the day on which my best friend died when I was 17. The two dates are fused in my mind now: They remind me never to take for granted the people that we love – and also how those who are a part of us go on being so even after they are gone.

I make Peter’s salad dressing almost every day, my daughter does too. It’s the best: a good dollop of Dijon mustard, the juice of half to one lemon, and then double that up with good olive oil and add salt and pepper. Never fails. Simple and delicious. Peter lives. (I’d love to know how you mark those sad days and the things that keep your loved ones alive for you – do email me eleanor@noon.org.uk.)

Celebrating the good stepparent

Stepparents often get a bad rap, but mine were the best.

My parents divorced when I was 5, and Peter and my stepmother Tessa appeared soon after. In many ways, they were the bedrock of my childhood; Tessa was a high-profile politician so lots of you know how fab she was and what an inspiration. Peter was not famous; he was a psychoanalyst. When I had nightmares, he interpreted them. When I was a teenager and went to parties on the far side of London, he would collect me – in his beloved Saab Turbo, listening to Radio 4, grumpy…but there. He cared. He terrified a lot of my friends as he could see straight through synthetic charm – he wasn’t big on social niceties – but he was so wise.

As he was dying, I was having several knee operations (I wrote about that in my newsletter about skiing). That meant I was signed off work and so could be there with him. It was a huge blessing. As he’d cared for me when I was a child, I was able to look after him as he was dying.

His secret to a happy life

We talked about everything. I asked him, since he’d spent 50 years seeing patients and helping them improve their lives, what, after all that, did he reckon was the secret to a happy life?

His advice? “Live with someone you love and be faithful to them.”

Simple but profound. In fact, I went on LBC with Nick Ferrari on Thursday morning and said exactly that: We were talking about the Norwegian Olympian who tried to get his girlfriend back after she dumped him for being unfaithful. I said that fidelity matters, quoting Peter. That if the guy had been unfaithful to his life-love after 3 months, he wasn’t a good bet for the long term! It’s funny, of all the millions of words we hear, which ones stick….

The Essex Circle made me think about stepparents

I was thinking about stepparents because of that sad-anniversary, but also because I met a wonderful stepmother at our brand new Essex Circle. (I went up to help launch it on Monday.) This woman was talking about being child-free (like about a third of the NOON community…). But then she spoke about, “Driving home from work to supervise homework”. It turns out, she’d raised 2 stepchildren whom she loved like her own.

Stepparenting is underappreciated, particularly since so many of us now come from or are part of blended families. I feel grateful to both of mine every day. They were a solid point in a tumultuous childhood.

Dear stepparents: I get you

If you are a stepparent, I write this to say: I see you. Mine made both of my parents happier than they would have been together. I know how hard it is. What you are doing matters and however ungrateful the little bleeders seem in the moment, in the long run they will thank you!

But back to the Essex Circle: What a collection of wonderful Queenagers in the beautiful Dedham Vale. It is so fun for me to jump on a train, whizz off to a bit of the country I’ve rarely been to and meet some fab new women.

 

The ambition I saw at the Essex Circle

 

Dedham did not disappoint – we met entrepreneurs (including, to our surprise, the owner of the pub where we were holding the Circle!). There was also an engineer, a banker, a hairdresser-turned-artist, a woman who had become an art therapist at 50. ( “I just thought sod it,” she said. “That’s what I want to do with the rest of my life, so I did the training”.) There were also 2 Queenagers in their late 50s embarking on PhDs. Go them!

I was so inspired by the alacrity with which they were taking on new challenges. Of course it wasn’t easy.

 

We talked about how, when we shapeshift into something new, often those around us aren’t that keen. It’s not surprising. Our existing shape often suits them very well, particularly if we are the pit pony, paying for everything or holding up the sky for everyone else.