In her weekly newsletter, NOON founder Eleanor Mills talks about how women supporting each other has at times been dangerous, put down and even punished – but it remains one of the most powerful acts we can do.
How are you finding the sense of a quickening, that back-to-school September vibe? At the pond the leaves are starting to fall, the treetops are turning golden and the ducklings are now very definitely big fat ducks.
For me, the house is empty, one kid is back at Uni, the other in Saigon (at least she was the last time she got in touch). There is a drumbeat of emails and events. I can’t believe it’s only been a week since I got back from Greece – so much has happened.
Top of the list was doing an Instagram Live with midlife icon Davina McCall. I went on her podcast a few weeks ago (it’s not out yet, but you can check out our podcast The Queenager) and, boy, did we hit it off! She suggested we do an Instagram Live so last Sunday, we did. I was unusually nervous, I know she has such a huge Queenager audience because of her menopause work and I was so touched by her using her platform to showcase my book Much More to Come and our positive message at NOON that 50 is when we start to become the women we always wanted to be.
Far from us fading away, Queenager-dom is when we move into our power, our purpose and shapeshift into our true selves.
The Davina-effect was huge: A thousand more followers @uponnoon, thousands of comments and new enthusiasts. It was a powerful piece of what I talk about in my book as “sistering” – that means women supporting each other, looking at other women with love, thinking about how we can help them, seeing their light and helping them shine. Davina didn’t have to give up her precious sunny Sunday to help me – she did it as a true act of sisterly support and I was so grateful.
It was such a huge example of how we all rise when when women support each other.
Is it witchcraft … or women supporting each other?
In perfect synchronicity, it is exactly a year ago today that I sat in Claire Dubois’s Sistering workshop at a tiny women’s festival on the Kent Weald. She led us out of the stuffy tent to sit under a mighty oak tree, where she talked about the historical persecution of women. For centuries in Europe thousands of women were burnt for committing the crime of “witchcraft”.
Often these offences were as anodyne as talking to or helping another woman. Any kind of female independence from men – being a widow, midwife or single, ministering to other women in “the old ways”, gathering together – could see females denounced by their communities.
“The safest thing a woman could do was to shackle herself to a man and shun her sisters if she didn’t want to be killed,” Dubois explains.
In those times – not that long ago – women learnt to be suspicious of other women. Patriarchy encouraged the divide-and-rule mentality. This behaviour was a matter of life or death: shunning or being cautious of other women kept you alive, stopped you from being condemned as a witch. (If you want to know more, I recommend the BBC podcast Witch.)
We can unpick that mindset which has endured to this day. I write in my book about how we can re-programme ourselves, consciously. For instance, catching ourselves when we’re critical of another woman’s body or clothes. Noticing when we employ a double standard or judge our sisters too harshly. Paying attention to what our default mode is towards other women. What is the chatter going on underneath, often not expressed but always there? We can transform those negative thoughts and behaviour to be women supporting each other. Think about it and change it.
How you can find sisterhood at NOON Circles
One of the wonders of the NOON Circles (which are at the heart of this Queenager project) is the magical sense of love, support and acceptance we feel during them. As we sit and listen to each other, validating our own experiences by seeing them reflected in the midlife collisions of others around the Circle, we realise we are not alone. This version of women supporting each other makes it easier to see that the shedding and endings are also new beginnings. The death of something brings opportunity – space for something new to grow.
Most of all, at the NOON Circles we hear over and over about how women feel that the challenges (or disasters) in their lives are brought on by personal failings – fuelled by our own massive sense of lack, of not being enough or doing enough. But that’s systemic.
When you’re surrounded by your sisters, it’s easier to understand that we’ve all been programmed to feel like that by a culture that values youth, fanciability and fecundity over age and wisdom. Those ideas are just a story. And it’s a story that we can change.
As Quenagers we are not young but we have other fabulous qualities; we are enough, wonderful even, perfect, just as we are. Being able to reflect that wholeness to a woman who is feeling broken and sad is a precious gift. It is the essence of Sistering. It is what the NOON Circles are all about. (If you are interested in knowing more about Sistering, do read that chapter in Much More to Come).
What our NOON Circle events are like
Under the tree in that Kent deer park a year ago, I experienced it so powerfully myself. We were put into pairs and asked to gaze with love, for five minutes without talking, at a woman we had never met before. To begin with it was hard; I cried, she cried – and then we smiled at each other, beamed, eyes locked together. Such a powerful affirmative intimacy.
Sounds a bit woowoo? Don’t worry – we don’t do that exercise at NOON Circles! But you do get that feeling of affirmation, unconditional love and support: again, women supporting each other. As Trisha who holds the Bristol Circle said at a NOON Circle leaders session last week: “Such magic happens in the NOON Circle. The women articulate things they’ve never spoken aloud before. It’s such a safe space where we can be vulnerable and heard and move forward.”
I know that many of you reading this today are new to NOON and to this Queenager newsletter. I know that some of you are keen to come to a Circle. I know it can be daunting to turn up to a room of strangers alone, so this past week I wrote a post for the NOON website called What to Expect at a NOON Circle. The post outlines what happens, how it works and how to get the best out of it. NOON Circles are a paid member benefit, so if you want to attend, you’ll need to be a paid member – you can do that here.
Check it out if you are interested in coming. We have some Circles that are taking place tomorrow Monday September 9, one in Guildford next week – and the next rounds will be on October 7 and November 4. Details on the Events page. We’re adding new areas all the time. So watch this space.
Do get in touch with me eleanor@noon.org.uk if you’d like to run a NOON Circle or if you’d like to host a NOON Walk in your area. We’re rolling out lots of these!
Important note for Substack subscribers
So, a little housekeeping: You might have realised that this newsletter is now coming to you direct from NOON.org.uk, not from Substack. We’ve listened to you that having our community run from various different platforms is confusing so we’ve invested in our tech so the website and now membership, events, content – everything you need – is here on the site.
If you have previously signed up to be a paid subscriber on Substack, we would love it if you could now sign up here. Once you do, you will be refunded on Substack automatically by us. I know this is a bit of a faff but we would be so grateful if you can shift over to NOON instead as it will make life much easier for you in the future.
I mentioned the Queenager podcast at the beginning of this newsletter: It’s me in conversation about all things midlife with amazing women. The entrepreneur Laura Tenison MBE, Liz Earle MBE midlife wellbeing guru and bestselling author of a Better Second Half on dating in her 60s, Dr Nighat Arif on her incredible story of coming to the UK speaking no English aged 9, how she became a women’s health doctor and how in her culture there is no word for menopause just the word ‘barren’.
Coming up next on the podcast: My chat with Dr Lucy Ryan: author of Revolting Women, why midlife women are walking out and what to do about it. If you are having some Queenager career angst, this one is for you.
Do visit the And Begin website and use the code Queenagerpod to claim your personalised skin cream (they are our very generous sponsors!).
4 dates for your diary
And to keep up that fun back-to-school feeling, here are some upcoming events to book and pop into your calendar.
- If you haven’t yet been to one of my readings (or even if you have) you can come see me talk in person about the book at Allbright Mayfair Members Club in London on September 24th – sign up here
- We’re having a massive Autumn Queenager Jamboree on October 8 in Covent Garden with a pub quiz, food, booze and loads of fun – open to all and all completely FREE. Snag your spot now
- We’ve only got 4 beautiful sole-occupancy rooms left for the Escape to the Country retreat in Wales, Oct 21 to 25. Hurry as they are selling fast!
- I’m appearing at the Henley Literary Festival talking about midlife collisions with Jess Jonzen on 4 October at 8pm. Book your ticket here!
Lots of love,
– Eleanor
Really enjoyed the newsletter. I would like to sign up for 2 of the events above. The Allbright link goes to a BBC website page and is there a link for the October event?
Hi Lynn, So sorry about the link gaffe.
Book the Allbright event here.