You’ve had years of bedtimes and packed lunches, drying tears and enforcing rules. As a parent you can often feel you don’t have a moment to yourself. And then they are off – for work or university or travelling – and suddenly in midlife you have a whole new stage of life. It can be sad and emotional and also freeing. Here’s how to cope with empty nest syndrome … and make the most of what comes next.
Feel the feels
It’s ok to feel sad and bereft, to examine many of the things you’ve done as a parent, to feel proud of and scared for your child at the same time. This is also an opportunity to celebrate that you’ve gotten your child to this point – to acknowledge the person who they have become and what part you’ve played in that.
Take time for your relationship(s)
If you have a partner, now’s a great time reconnect and explore life together beyond parenting – not just date nights or travel but also starting new projects together. It could be anything from taking tennis lessons together to redecorating the sitting room. It’s also a great opportunity to remind your partner that they can take time for themselves to rekindle their interests that are separate from being a partner or parent. This is also an opportunity to break out your address book and reach out to those friends who you may have seen less due to parenting duties.
Set new personal goals
This is prime Queenager time for so many of us: We can rededicate ourselves to our careers, go back to school, choose a new professional path – this is an opportunity to grow!
You might finally have the time to devote to painting, writing, spelunking, playing the tuba – whatever strikes your fancy! In a NOON Transformation Story, Thelma Mensah talks about how she took the plunge and learned to swim, fulfilling a lifelong dream.
Create a new routine
You finally have the time start a new fitness routine, meditate or try activities that promote well-being, such as yoga or mindfulness, to invest in your physical and mental health. NOON member Alison tells us
Stay connected with your kids in new ways
A big part of how to cope with empty nest is still finding a way to keep in touch with your children. They are embarking on a new phase of their life too. Ask them the best way you can keep in touch in a way that works for them – it might be time to create your Snapchat account! Also, be curious about their lives without prying. Allow them to have boundaries.
One NOON Queenager tells us, “When I was an uni, my mum would call frequently and leave messages on my answering machine – it was that long ago – where she just said hello, updated me on what she and my dad were doing, asking about my classes etc. and then rang off. No pressure for me to call back but I felt more connected and it made phone calls more interesting when I did ring.”
Redefine Your Identity
Now that parenting is less part of your daily schedule, you have an opportunity to rediscover yourself – your values, desires and goals. And as so many Queenagers tell us, it’s an opportunity to prioritise yourself. You’ve finally got the freedom, flexibility and time to do it!
For Linda Swindenbank, preparing for her son to go to university included applying for a master’s degree in writing. “Celebrating my recent 60th birthday didn’t involve a glam party with pals, or a fancy cruise sipping sun-down cocktails, instead I was frantically working to file my dissertation for an MA in Creative Writing, fuelled by coffee and encouragement on my student WhatsApp group.” She wouldn’t have had it any other way. Read her full story, “I become a student again aged 58.”
Make plans to see friends and family
Plan visits or gatherings with your kids when possible, but be mindful of giving them space to grow on their own. Look forward to holidays, special occasions, or just casual reunions.
Focus outside yourself
Sometimes that loss of purpose associated with caring for your child day in and day out requires thinking not about ourselves but about others. This could be the idea time to volunteer at a local charity, get involved with local schools or libraries, pitch in at an arts or theatre group you like. It can take you outside yourself while you do good and meet new people.
Get support
That might mean reaching out to loved ones, a therapist or a charity. It can also mean connecting with people in your new phase of life, like fellow NOON Queenagers. Ali Fairhurst went on the NOON trip to Morocco and says, “The biggest thing I took away from this trip was the reminder that we are never alone in facing challenges and problems.”
NOON Circles as well as our trips are a great opportunity to be able to open up and connect with women who can understand and support you. Check out our NOON events to connect with other midlife women.
Ultimately, this is as much of a new phase as the one that began when you first brought your child home. Acknowledge it, allow yourself to ebb and flow and be open to the new joy as your life and your child’s changes and grows.