A cynic would say, if you’re childless – or childfree – every day feels like Mother’s Day. From the “As a mother” responses to worldwide tragedies to the cost of living crisis seemingly only affecting “hardworking families” to the media’s exaltation of mothers and their love. Where do the childless not by choice fit?
My favourite ever was light years ago on Doctor Who.
Some bloke to Amy Pond: “You’re a mother, aren’t you?”
Amy: “How did you know?”
Some bloke: “There’s kindness in your eyes.
A mother’s beautiful worth appears to be celebrated 24/7.
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But if you’re unhappily childless, there is something about Mother’s Day that is a step-up in the “oof” stakes. That day can really hurt. So I asked some wonderful, inspirational, women in the Childless Not by Choice (CNBC) world for advice to get us through that day — advice that didn’t centre around earplugs, blindfolds and a bottle of Dubonnet.
MERIEL WHALE
Counsellor specialising in Counselling for Childlessness www.merielwhalecounselling.co.uk
“First, remember that Mother’s Day is a day borrowed from a Christian tradition. In the UK its origin is Mothering Sunday: a day to go back to your mother church for people living and working away. (It’s different in the USA.) This could also mean spending time with your family of origin…which eventually became focussed on mothers.
It can, of course, be very hard for us childless people to be surrounded by adverts, supermarket displays and social media posts celebrating mothers. I would advise you to get your other childless friends on board and text them on the day, or call them, or arrange to do something with them. Basically, get some support. Talk to people who will get how you feel.
“Also, if you feel you can, let your childed friends and family know how this is for you: that you don’t begrudge them their special day but that it can be really hard.
“Every year I do this: I go to the Mother’s Day display in my local supermarket, I get something for myself, and I tell myself that I am celebrating the maternal spirit in me. I allow the difficult feelings to be there but I do something for myself. Because I deserve it, too.”
BERENICE HOWARD-SMITH AND SARAH LAWRENCE
Along with Michael Hughes, Berenice and Sarah (a trauma counsellor specialising in counselling for the childless community) founded The Full Stop Online Community – for all who are childless not by choice – and co-present The Full Stop podcast for childless people and their friends, families and colleagues.
“Set your boundaries. This can be hard, but saying no without an explanation is enough if you don’t have the words to explain why you don’t want to join a Mother’s Day lunch, for example. If you do want to explain but don’t have the words or need inspiration, there are lots of online resources that can be really helpful. But you do not have to explain yourself.
“Guilt can be hard to sit with, so maybe offer an alternative date for lunch and send a card on the day? That way you can show you still love the person but excuse yourself from the occasion if that’s the part you’re finding hard.
“Saying no to people you care for is hard – and so is seeing their disappointment – but our sadness is hard for them to see, too. So if everyone is being honest, perhaps by making it work for us, we might be making it easier for everyone.
“Social media can be a nightmare for triggering our grief, so it can be useful to take a social media hiatus on the run up to – and over – Mother’s Day.
“And remember there are plenty of online forums for involuntarily childless people. They can be a digital lifeline, offering belonging and understanding during difficult times.”
DANIELLE UPHILL
Humanistic Counselling Psychotherapist, specialising in Counselling for Childlessness
www.danielleuphillcounselling.com
“The powerful emotions stirred by Mother’s Day often serve as a poignant reminder of unfulfilled dreams of motherhood. Learning to live with the grief this brings is a journey.
“The temptation to deny the meaning of Mother’s Day to oneself and others can be immense — and while a brave face may be necessary around colleagues or friends and family, avoiding these emotions internally can intensify them in the long run.
“Regardless of where you are on your childless not by choice journey, if something is stirred within you – a memory, teariness, or a tight chest – acknowledging it is key. Setting aside time on Mother’s Day to let these emotions be heard can be a powerful way of allowing them. Giving time to yourself to journal, or to take a walk, or doing whatever it is that brings you comfort, is an opportunity to grieve for the part of you that so wanted to be a mum.
“As with many self-care principles, balance is so important: making space for grief and allowing yourself the time in the following days to feel it is key to effective self-care.
“Acknowledging and honouring the part of you that desired to be a mother can help you find the strength and resilience to navigate the complexities of this time.”
STEPHANIE JOY PHILLIPS
Founder of World Childless Week — which aims to raise awareness of the Childless Not By Choice community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence.
“The first thing that pops into my head when I think of Mother’s Day is money and commercialism. Advertisers aren’t concerned if your mum is loving, present or supporting: They just care about putting pressure on the doting child to purchase the perfect gift and create the ideal day. Social media becomes alive with the buzz of mums sharing photos of all they have received — reinforcing how amazing, loved and lucky they are. Visually, Mother’s Day can therefore be overwhelming and can even give the impression of a fake reality.
“We interpret ‘mother’ as something we’ll never be. But if we dismantle these visual images and the messages that are being pushed at us – especially on this day – the underlying message is about love and care. So perhaps we should take the day to reflect on everyone we have loved and cared for – everyone we have mothered – be it a relative, friend or stranger.
“If you find joy in the day, embrace it. But if you struggle, take time for self-care. Don’t pressurise yourself into putting others first and tend to your heart and your needs. Take time to mother yourself.”