Being a single childless woman can be difficult – something that World Childless Week (15-21 September 2025) aims to address.
I’m 59, single, childless. And I should clarify, I’m childless not by choice. I was physically able to have children. But I never met the person to do that with. “Social infertility,” is what they call it. Which sounds both medical and vague. But the experience of being part of the group experiencing it is quite distinct.
- I was childless and heartbroken. Nature cured me
- How to survive Mother’s Day if you are childless not by choice
What social infertility means to me
I’ve found that single and childless in your 50s is quite the double-whammy in terms of social status. (This was beautifully illustrated by the ex-friend – married with kids – who told me it mattered more if she died than if I did.) Let me further share the single and childless experience with you…
How we talk about single and childless women
The language of how we talk about single childless women is charmless. I’m a “spinster” aunt. (That’s not how you spell “hot”, silly.) I’m prickly, pointless, past my prime — and as old and ugly as the dictionaries that coined that archaic phrase.
The media representation is clichéd and one-dimensional: I’m not to be taken seriously because I’m like pre-baby Bridget Jones.
I’m fetishised – like Sex and the City’s “slutty” Samantha).
I’m pitied or devalued – like every single non-mother character in EastEnders. “But I’m a mum now. I’ve changed.” F*** off, Stacey.
I’m left off certain invitations. Some of my family had a Mother’s Day lunch without me. A friend had a birthday I wasn’t invited to attend: It was “couples only”.
What dating is like as a single childless woman
Dating is ridiculous. On their profiles, some men state emphatically: “I’m a parent first and foremost” on their profiles. Thanks for clarifying, Dad of the Year. Turns out I don’t want you to abandon your child to be with me!
Then there are people who see you as merely a sexual encounter and not a potential relationship. Because you have no responsibilities, right? Therefore you are an unserious person. Or you’re flighty and flirty and not a real option.
I always pay the single supplement
Life’s bloody expensive when you’re single and childless. Paying for everything on your own. The Singles Tax is around £12k a year and the “single supplement fee” on hotel rooms means much-needed trips rarely happen. (Although, really, why would a single childless person need a rest? You can only be exhausted if you’re a parent, right? Please show some respect and remember that!)
What being a single childless woman really means
In general, it’s more likely a single childless woman over 40 will be caregivers for elderly family members. According to a 2020 Australian study, single women over 45 without children take on more caring responsibilities for ageing or disabled family members than any other group in their age group. (Guess I’m lucky that my parents are dead.)
And who will look after us when we’re old and frail? God knows. (I hope He does and He’s just moving in His mysterious ways. And, yes, I know it’s not a given your children will care for you. But they might….)
People feel free to comment on your status
The shit you have to hear… From the extraordinarily-intrusive “Do you have kids?” (complete with the “Poor Jen” head tilt when you say no) to the ignorant “If you’d wanted kids enough you would’ve had them” (I can’t even) to the missing-every-point “I know you don’t like children.”
That one blows my mind. Especially when it’s said by fellow childless people. I’ve had it 3 times. Three times mourning women have said, when we’ve been around kids, “They’re really cute. Oh, I forgot you don’t like children.”
No, I love children. That’s why I’m still grieving not having them.
What I don’t like is the bigotry against the childless/childfree. Capiche? My belief is my fellow childless/childfree friends feel so devalued by society’s take on them that they don’t think their emotions are valid — so they silence themselves. And try to silence others, too.
Politicians ignore childless singles
Many MPs and leaders don’t give a toss about us. Watch the news tonight and tell me how many times you hear “hardworking families” instead of “people”. Cost of living crisis affects families, not the likes of me, right? This may be controversial but I’d say EVERYONE needs a roof/bed/warmth/food.
Knowing no political party cares enough about you or your vote to stop them excluding you makes me burn with fury. Can you imagine another minority being similarly dismissed? “Hardworking straights”, for example?
I was Hidden Homeless for 10 years: I moved 30 times and slept on strangers’ sofas – and no authority would help me — because I had no dependents.
What being single means to me
The worst thing about being single and childless? It’s not being anyone’s Number 1. While I’ll always mean something to someone, I’m afraid I’ll never be someone’s priority. That’s painful.
So how to survive?
Grieve.
A name for this feeling: Disenfranchised grief
That’s one of the hardest things about being childless: the disenfranchised grief. It just isn’t recognised.
I first heard this term from Jody Day, inspirational founder of Gateway Women — the wonderful support and advocacy network for childless women. I heard it from Jody and it was confirmed and compounded by everyf***ingbody. From an agony aunt telling a depressed childless woman to “Make a list of what you do have” and “Spend your money on a cruise with your toy boy” to a therapist telling me, ‘It could be worse: You could’ve had an actual baby that died.” What?
I wrote about the advice columnist and suggested her lines would be like me saying, “I’m sorry your kid died — but think of all the money you saved not sending them to university. And now you can turn their bedroom into that office you always wanted!”
If, like me, you spend so much time being angry at the attitudes thrown at non-parents. (“As a mother” is a favourite. No kids = no love or compassion?)
If you wanted children and couldn’t have them, often you won’t allow yourself the space to mourn. And if you don’t grieve, you can’t….I won’t say “move on” because for me this grief stays in some form…but we can process and discover our new life. So get angry — and then get in tune.
We must tell our friends what it’s like
Also share with your friends. I love mine so much. They’ve saved me. Many of my friends have children but they care about me – they listen, they consider, they support. Recently I sobbed to my friend Shelly, “Why is my life so s***?”
“It isn’t s***,” she replied. “It might not have some of the things you wanted in it, but it is spectacular.” We can reframe our lives and, yes, life-changing.
Connect with other childfree women
Find your tribe. As much as your wonderful parent friends try, they can’t feel what you feel. So engage with people that do. Now is a great time to do this.
Storyhouse Childless (September 12-14), a weekend of events around the topic of childlessness to provide community, share stories and raise awareness. It “creates space for honest, nuanced and empowering conversations about living without children”.
We also have World Childless Week (September 15-21), which “aims to raise awareness of the childless-not-by-choice community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence.” I cannot stress how important these events are.
Get savvy about dating
Dating online can be brutal. But it’s good to get on the apps and maybe even drop preconceptions of what you want. You have to be careful of “Love bombers” (emotionally bombing you but not meaning it), Fuckbois (womanisers by another name), Breadcrumbers (giving you just enough attention), and good old-fashioned misogynists (I’ve heard so often, “Is it too much to ask for a woman who can hold a conversation?” Hold this, mate).
If you can’t face dating, look at couples you know and think about how many of those relationships would make you happy.
(Research is somewhat mixed on the subject but some studies show that single women are happier than single men, and in 2019 a behaviourial scientist presented research that showed “the traditional markers used to measure success did not correlate with happiness – particularly marriage and raising children.” As The Guardian reported at the time: “Unmarried and childless women are the happiest subgroup in the population.”)
Plus, wouldn’t you rather be single than be with the wrong person?
You’ve got your spectacular life to live. Connect with other women like you and we can learn to accept and love it.
Bibi will be on the ‘How To Survive Being Single Living Without Kids’ panel at Storyhouse Childless.
