One Friday morning in a cold January a few years ago, Mr Brown, a working class practical Englishman not given to romantic rapture, snuggled up to me just after the alarm went off. As I stirred, he whispered tremulously, “Without you, I couldn’t get through this. I love you more than I can bear.” This was during Covid-19, when so many of us were struggling. But here is the exciting thing: It represented a moment of spontaneous moments of tenderness, far more than we have the right to expect after 30 years of marriage.
And I learned several things from that time about how to reconnect with my husband and improve our marriage. As couples, we don’t have to wait for extreme measures to use what I learned during this time. We can all fall in love again with our partners and have passionate love affairs…even with people we’ve been with for decades.
There have been several such spontaneous moments of tenderness, far more than we have the right to expect after 30 years of marriage
At the time of the pandemic, the Mental Health Foundation warned that the emotional and mental chaos caused by the disease would impact this nation for a long time. At the time, the journalist Lucy Pavia wrote in The Guardian: “The pandemic has forced all of us to put a giant magnifying glass over our personal lives. As home became the only place to go, without the release valves of office life and friendship circles, our closest relationships…have come into clearer focus.” And that magnified the fault lines in those relationships.
We learned that, instead of becoming horribly fractious, instead of falling apart, we serviced our marriage and renewed it. That was all years ago. But during that time my husband and I learnt to appreciate slow living, slow loving and rekindled ardour.
Here are the things we learned that actually made our relationship better.
Remind yourself why you are together
We have spent a lot of time going over what brought us together, our early years together, the fun times, the dark periods, our fears and hopes. It reminded us of all the richness in our relationship.
Research backs up the positive effect of these shared stories. Romantic nostalgia benefits relationships – it’s positively associated with greater relationship commitment, satisfaction and closeness.
NOON tip: Pull out old photos, listen to music from important shared moments, ask your partner about memories that still in their mind. Reminding ourselves about those wonderful moments can help bring us closer…and make us happier!
Develop couple mindfulness
We talk a lot about mindfulness – time to try couple mindfulness: The heart quietens, your feelings are purer, more intense towards that one precious other. The word “soulmate” – too often used tritely – has reveal its true meaning to me.
This happened because we made an effort to break out of oppressive routines. During the pandemic, we missed the parties, lunches and dinners out, museums, cinemas and theatres. But even today we can continue to choose only those outings and engagements that really enrich our lives. Instead we take time at home for ourselves as a couple. We enjoy small domestic tasks. We defrost the fridge, declutter and sort out the shared office. We find new recipes and cook together! The radio and CD player provide the soundtracks to this new, blissful domesticity.
A blossoming sex life at 60
When our bodies reach out to each other, it isn’t like the early flames of desire. But it can be hotter and more sensuous than in the last decade. (Yes, sex happens when you are over 60 and is often very good.) Afternoon intimacies have been one of the many unexpected delights.
It’s not only good for our intimacy. It makes our overall lives better. Stress can crush joy, love and desire. But joy, love and desire also mitigate anxiety and pessimism.
The importance of a meeting of the minds
Intellectual affinity is, in my view, essential for a long and happy partnership.
Intellectual affinity can do that too and is, in my view, essential for a long and happy partnership. Pursuits and interests are lifelines with each other – enjoying your intellectual passions together.
My husband loves poems and reads them out aloud. I share bits of books that are making me mad, sad or ecstatic. On walks we talk, at home we talk, in bed we talk – about ideas, history, science, literature, politics, more politics. These conversations can be fiery, at times explosive.
These experiences show we are creative, passionate and engaged, not yet dulled by age or circumstance. In my first marriage there were few such lively exchanges. That was a relationship only of the heart, not the head. You need both to feel fulfilled and truly alive.
‘Something positive came out of it for us and many families too’.
In my first marriage, my husband left me for a younger woman. I had loved him since the age of 18 and we had a 10-year-old son. The betrayal broke my faith in men, I thought forever.
Four months later, I met Mr Brown in a taxi queue at Bristol Railway station. We were guests on a BBC show. We travelled back together on the train. For days afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking about the man with blue, blue eyes, gentle manner and brilliant mind. Twenty months after that accidental encounter, we got married.
It reminds us that things don’t have to be perfect for our relationships to thrive.
Becoming a born-again romantic
Sometimes even illness and hard times become a good thing.
Donna, 39, a dental receptionist, thought her marriage was over this September. She and her husband Tom, 42, a chef, were furloughed and cooped up with each other and their kids, five and eight. They were worried about money and the unknowable future. Resentment flooded through their increasingly untidy and noisy terraced house in South London. Then she was struck down by Covid and deteriorated fast. It was a wake up call in their relationship.
“He’s never been emotional,” Donna said, “but he cried when I was admitted to hospital begged me to stay alive, not to leave him alone, said over and over, that I was his rock.” She’s recovered her health and mojo and the two have become born-again romantics.
A new perspective on an affair
RT, 45, works in finance, is married, has 2 kids and used to commute daily from Surrey to London. His wife A, an art teacher, gave up work to raise their young children. He started an affair with a young colleague and they’d decided to move in together. He was going to tell A during the Easter break. Then Covid-19 swept in, and the affair went into hiatus. His lover moved in back with her parents; calls and texts got more mundane.
Then came an epiphany. Spending time with A, seeing how much she did for them all everyday and watching her boogying with the kids brought him to his senses: “The affair had made me blind to her beauty, energy, her mischievousness. I used to get back late, robotically do my bit, and go to bed.” He’s fessed up and is desperate to save the marriage. She is circumspect but willing to give him a second chance. His bitterly disappointed young girlfriend thinks its just “lockdown fever”. She is so wrong.
It’s lockdown love, like wartime love, deep and strong and a restorative elixir to help humans endure calamities with grace and hope
– Yasmin Alibhai-Brown
