Navigating teen mental health issues at Christmas can make it one of the most difficult times of year.
With the Christmas social whirl, the gift-giving, the preparations … the pressure on parents can peak. Suzanne Alderson, the founder of the charity Parenting Mental Health, gives her tips on how to approach Christmas if you are the parent of a child who is struggling with their mental health.
PMH was founded by Suzanne Alderson who – through her own experience of supporting her daughter through depression, anxiety and suicide attempts – witnessed first-hand the total lack of support available for parents and decided to do something about it.
Teen mental health: How it affects Christmas
In the UK, around 2.5 million children have a mental health issue. According to a recent study by Parenting Mental Health, nearly every parent with a child struggling with their mental health has experienced changes to their social life and relationships with friends and family.
- 20 do’s and dont’s for a Queenager Christmas
- How to manage Christmas with a loved one with dementia
- What are you making space for this coming year?
Ninety-five per cent of all parents said they had seen some level of change to their family relationships as a result of their child’s mental health, with over two thirds (68%) having experienced substantial changes in their social life and friendships. Only 4% say they hadn’t seen any changes.
So teen mental health + changes to friends and family relationships + the festive season = the potential for stress and upset.
Here, Alderson’s best advice for navigating it.
1. Do things your way
“Parents can feel immense pressure to provide the perfect Christmas, filled with Instagram-worthy moments of family outings, elaborate decorations and constant joy,” she says. “The reality can be completely different for those dealing with teen mental health issues.
“Instead, think about what will suit your family and its current dynamic. If that means a low-key Christmas or even no celebrations at all, that’s fine. It’s important to consider what makes your home feel as emotionally safe and stress-free as possible.
2. Get comfortable saying no
Say yes to no this season!
It’s fine to decline invitations with a polite yet clear message. Some options:
- Keep it simple: “Thank you, but we can’t make it.”
- Let them know it’s you, not them: “Thank you for understanding that we can’t stretch to that this year.”
- Let them know their understanding is appreciated: “Thank you for being so sweet about our decision to spend Christmas differently this year.”
“The more you say it, the easier it gets,” Alderson says, “and a weight will be lifted knowing you won’t need to cancel last minute or work to somebody else’s plans.”
3. Set boundaries with family
If you are spending Christmas as part of a wider group, set clear boundaries in advance and explain what your child is and isn’t comfortable with. This might mean your child eating a completely different meal for Christmas dinner or spending it in their room alone rather than around a noisy table.
“For some family members, this can seem unusual and they might be tempted to criticise or offer unhelpful advice,” she says, “so being explicit with them and managing their expectations in advance can help to avoid it.”
That also means being open to listening to their disappointment. “Remember, this is the season of enforced jollity,” Alderson says. “But you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions, only your own.”
4. Allow yourself to imagine a different sort of Christmas
We can get in a groove of expecting ourselves to put on or create a particular family experience … and, if it doesn’t happen, feel disappointed in ourselves. We can feel sad about missing out on a big festive theatre show, your annual party, the traditional menu….
But there’s not only one way to enjoy Christmas.
Let casting off the usual routine and expectations be a freedom for you as well, to create something that fits your family this year.
“Allow yourself some space to reflect on how you feel and get comfortable with the fact that Christmas this year might not look the way you planned,” Alderson says. “Reflect on whether your expectations are realistic for your family in the current circumstances.
“You might need to forget existing traditions and make new rituals to suit your situation; these could become equally treasured traditions in the future.”
5. Remember rest
Your child might use all their energy to be present and appear happy on the day, and then need space and peace to regroup.
In the days around Christmas, keep plans to an absolute minimum to allow time for everyone to rest and build up their energy.
Building in plenty of time for rest before, during and after Christmas will be beneficial for the whole family.
6. Look after yourself
“Modelling positive behaviour for your child by looking after your own wellbeing is important all year round, but especially during the festive season when it’s easy to commit to too much and become overwhelmed. Think about what you need to feel grounded and careve out time for these activities in advance,” she advises.
The motto: Don’t run yourself ragged trying to make everything ok as it can just lead to stress everyone feels.
7. Find support with other parents
“Remember to seek help if you need it,” Alderson reminds us. “Speaking to other parents who have teens with mental health issues – parents who get it – can be hugely beneficial, particularly when it looks like everyone else is living perfect lives.”
In addition to talking with other parents at NOON – at our Circles, walks and retreats (see them on our Events page), you can check out the Parenting Mental Health Facebook community.
You can also see full findings of the report: Parenting a child with poor mental health: A study of lived experiences.
Suzanne is the author of Never Let Go – How to Parent Your Child Through Mental Illness, a book that guides parents who are looking after a child with a mental illness.
