The Importance of Small Wins and How to Create Them
It’s been quite the birthday week – like the universe was helping us celebrate NOON and Queenagers turning 4!
On Monday I was beyond amazed and humbled to win a Power of Women Award from Dress for Success for my work “empowering women in midlife”! Big thanks to Mary Waring (whom many of you know from the NOON community & events) who nominated me (pictured below). The swanky ceremony took place in a room overlooking the Tower of London and I have a huge glass trophy (also pictured below) which I’m proudly displaying next to my desk.
At the event I also got to hang out with fellow winner Joanna Martin, Founder of One of Many, an inspirational coaching network, and my old friend Kate Garraway off the telly, who won for her campaign around helping carers (she became one when her husband Derek Draper was terribly injured and then died from COVID). Overall it was it quite the night.
New digs, small wins
On Tuesday we held our London Circle at our new home, The Wilton Arms pub in a cute mews just off Knightsbridge. It was so wonderful to see more than 30 of you there and to host the pre-Circle dinner, which is now a regular fixture; so many friends old and new! (We’ll be organising this a bit differently so the pub can handle our numbers, aka our Queenager force! Stay tuned for details.)
Can’t believe just a few short years ago it was just me and a few of you in the flat. It shows that from small shoots, big oak trees grow. Which fits into the theme for this newsletter….
Let’s talk about Small Wins
Often at NOON we talk about the big shifts: Those moments in the midlife clusterfxxx where we feel like we’ve been pushed off a roof. When there is no going back to how life was before because someone has died, or the marriage is over, or we’ve been made redundant or any of the other disruptions that happen to us. I set up NOON and wrote Much More to Come to help other women who found themselves thrust into an existential crisis, to say that things would get better, that there was a good life to come.
Yet I talk with plenty of Queenagers who would love a big change but are currently tethered to things that can’t change: loved ones who need care – elderly parents, kids, partners – or a job that’s unsatisfying but pays the bills.
So for this newsletter, I’ve decided to talk about small wins. How can we create a change in our lives when we badly need it but can’t immediately throw things over or make big shifts?
It’s what we’ve been talking about in March NOON Circles. It’s the question from many of the Queenagers inside National Grid, where we have also set up NOON Circles. These small wins are changes which do bring more joy and possibility and spaciousness into our lives right now, just as they are.
What small wins look like
So what does that mean in practice? Here are few examples from the NOON community.
On the home front: Domestic renegotiation
One Queenager told her story to the Circle last week: Her husband had recently retired, they were both at home all the time, but he wasn’t doing domestic chores. Her small win was that the day before, she’d gone out after requesting he stripped the bed. When she came home, he had – for the first time ever. And he’d not only stripped the sheets but also washed them, hung them out to dry in the sunshine (!) and remade the bed.
“It was a revelation,” she said. “He’d finally listened to me – and was proud of himself!”
Another talked about having her adult children home after university. She was tired of doing all the food shopping and cooking for them, like they were still infants. She decided to take a stand. Her kids’ response: “Sure, Mum, we’ll take over the shopping and cooking.” She realised that rather than feeling like a drudge, all she had to do was create new boundaries and ask them to step up – which they were happy to do. Sometimes the big step to ASK for what we want!
On a personal level: Encouraging ourselves
Another single Queenager, who has just come back from a world trip, said her small win was with herself. In the past she would forego an outing to a gallery or dinner if she didn’t have anyone to go with her. But she decided that now she will just…take herself.
“I’ve sat in bars and restaurants and visited incredible places all over the world, getting myself right out of my comfort zone. And I suddenly thought: If I can do this in Rio, I can do it in London. So now I do. I get the train into town, treat myself and it’s great!”
When small is big
And here’s something that’s small but also big: The space we open up in our lives for new things.
That was another theme of the Circle: How at this mid-point many things which have been central – kids, jobs, marriages, parents, things we have accepted as fixtures in our lives – begin to fall away.
One of the women told us that her mother had died, her children (in their late 20s) had “finally cut the cord”, she was divorced and felt untethered, like she had lost everything. I talked about how in the space left by big loss, there’s room for something new to grow. All those endings can actually mark the beginning of a new chapter and a time of opportunity.
And to take advantage of the moment, we can go back to what originally made us tick, made us excited…and connect with that to forge a new path forward.
An exercise to do right now
I truly believe the seeds of our new selves are sown in small changes and small wins by following what reliably brings us joy. Think back into your childhood when you felt happiest. What were you doing?
For me it was swimming in a pool in Italy, aged about eight, feeling like a dolphin, eating nectarines off the trees in the sunshine and reading books. All those things still resonate for me at 54.
My small wins
These days, my small wins are a daily trip to the pond for a cold swim (which you’ve definitely heard about in these newsletters!), being in nature and 20 minutes of meditation as soon as I wake up. These actions anchor me in a positive part of myself. What are your equivalents?
Quick, write them down or simply commit to bringing them into your life. Make sure you schedule some time to do them. It’s amazing how when you change yourself, get a bit happier and more boundaried, everything around you shifts too.
My other small wins this week were seemingly more trivial. On Wednesday night I went to an event at Claridge’s, where I was in conversation with Jennifer Quigley-Jones, a 34-year-old entrepreneur who has set up an international Influencer agency. In front of 150 of the most important business people in the country at a dinner for the Marketing Group of Great Britain, we talked about the democratisation of media (no old-fashioned gate-keepers on social channels) and freeing different kinds of voices for a more inclusive conversation. I had to pinch myself when I walked into the room, as all of the tables were bedecked with copies of Much More to Come (thanks, Google and Sophie Neary!). And although I do a lot of public speaking, I’d been feeling jumpy about this event.
What makes me nervous about speaking at events
I don’t worry about what I am going to say – that always flows fine (as many of you know from attending Circles!). My anxiety goes to my outfit and looking right for the occasion. As we get older this becomes more tricky.
I don’t want to look corporate, or mutton, or frumpy. I want to look like me and project Queenager confidence. To help me do that, I seek help: I get the brilliant Molly Cochrane to style me. She’d seen my long black satin pleated skirt and suggested I get a new black jacket and a fitted satin camisole to wear under it for Claridge’s. “Modern and neat, flattering and like you mean business!”
My small win was finding a new black jacket with gold buttons that fit within my budget and makes me feel confident. It will also take me to New York, where I am launching my book at the end of next week. (“Start spreading the news….”) One new piece has refreshed a whole load of wardrobe options.
What I love about Molly is she doesn’t march you off to the shops and dictate a whole new look. She rifles through my existing wardrobe, finds things in the back that I had totally forgotten about and re-styles them so they look super modern. She gives advice like: “Buy a cream t-shirt and wear it like this” or “Pair these two things together and add these earrings”, and – I’ve discovered – her simple instructions and fresh eye are always spot-on. She’ll recommend buying one new piece that creates half a dozen new outfits. Plus, it’s reuse, repurpose and rethink without having to come home with an armful of expensive new things.
Small win: Dress for success?
Given it is spring and we’re all after a bit of a personal spring clean, I can highly recommend this kind of small win. Want to reinvent yourself a little and put a spring into your step? Freshening up your look is a way to achieve a personal small win. If you’d like Molly’s help, do drop her a message at molly.c.pilates@googlemail.com.
We all have our own weak spots; my small win this week was taking that anxiety, doing something about it and feeling fabulous as a result. Maybe everything I heard at Dress for Success had sunk in: that you feel better if you look right. I have to say my new black jacket really made a difference. Small wins.
Some wins, with options from small to big
I’m writing this from a hotel in Chester where I am about to give an International Women’s Day speech about midlife as the age of opportunity, where we become the women we always wanted to be. I see my 50s a bit like when I went up to uni at 20 – the sense of a whole life opening up full of possibilities. We’re just heading into what my host here in Cheshire, Jane Gow of Clear Cut Financial Planning, calls the “go-go years”.
So do you fancy an adventure and a “win”? We’ve got lots to choose from!
A small win for yourself: Sign up for our How to Sleep Better online event with the brilliant Heather Darwall-Smith on Wednesday at 6:30pm. The best way to get happier and “be your best self” is to ensure you’re getting the sleep you need. This webinar will help unpick the causes of poor sleep and advise how to spend your waking hours so nights are restful. (FREE for members, £15 general admission tickets.)
A mini adventure: Come to a walk or a Circle to meet new friends and think differently. Also, why not head to our Bristol Walk on 22 March or our Cheltenham Walk on 6 April. (See all the Circles you can book right now.)
A day-long adventure: Our next available one-day Wasing retreat is coming up 18 July – the perfect way to kick off the second half of the year with yoga, a walk, wild swimming, sauna, lunch and a Circle, all together in one rejuvenating day.
A big adventure: If you fancy something more adventurous, we’ve got 2 spots left on the Uzbekistan trip – details here. (go on, it’s going to be a-MAZ-ing). And this week we’ll be launching our signature retreat at Wern-y-Cwm October 6th-10th so keep an eye out.
An easy at-home win: And remember all Paid Members are invited to the Online NOON Circle this Monday 10 March with me at 6.30pm. Hope to see you there.
Lots of love,
Eleanor
