The NOON divorce report – Beyond the Break – has been an eye-opener for everyone who worked on it. The results and responses from midlife women around the UK have been at times surprising, concerning, enlightening and hopeful. It paints a picture of what divorce is like now, with good news for midlife women. We also discovered specific ways that divorce needs to change to better serve women.
What became apparent to us is that women are changing. Today’s midlife woman is very different from her mother, or even women of the previous generation. Divorce for these midlife female pioneers is not just a decision or transaction; it’s a reinvention.
After all, in the 100-year life, 50 is only the halfway point. There’s still much more to come and women are determined to embrace it.
How divorce is changing
Today’s midlife women aren’t passive. They recognise the role divorce can play to make their lives what they want. They’re taking control and ending marriages that aren’t working for them any longer: 46% are instigating divorce while 56% say they would end a marriage if they were unhappy.
What’s more, 76% of women who have already divorced say they would do it again if a subsequent marriage wasn’t working out.
A third are happier than they’ve ever been
What’s particularly heartening is that there’s much less stigma around being divorced – 55% of women agree. Modern midlife women are using their agency to establish lives that work for them. Almost a third of post-divorce women (31%) stating that they’re happier than they’ve ever been.
Thelma, age 53 and living in London, says: “The divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but post-divorce I’m suddenly independent. I can follow my own dreams. I’m empowered, independent, optimistic and grateful. It was awful to break up the family unit but 4 years on we are in a good place – I love my life….”
Most marriages don’t end because of affairs
Despite the popular stereotype of affairs bringing about the end of midlife marriages, 64% of our respondents say their relationship ended for reasons other than affairs. Less than a quarter of women (23%) between ages 45 and 65 report a spouse wanting to be with someone else as the reason for their break-up. Falling out of love is cited as the cause of divorce at the same percentage.
Other reasons for divorce include financial pressures (15%) and simply not wanting to spend their life with that person anymore (11%).
Abuse and divorce
There’s also a troubling number of divorced women (27%) who say that their marriage broke down because of abuse or domestic violence. That’s a percentage mirrored in official statistics (current government figures show that 27% of women in the UK have suffered from domestic abuse).
Our report highlights that, contrary to the popular belief that abuse generally affects women on lower incomes and in lower class brackets, women of higher socioeconomic status also suffer at the hands of their partners.
Compared with non-divorced women, divorced women report markedly higher incidences of controlling behaviour from a partner (23% vs 47% for divorced women), domestic violence (18% vs 38%) and mental abuse (20% vs 38%). This held true across ALL socioeconomic groups.
Women don’t get enough divorce support
Despite the optimism and sense of freedom many women feel post-divorce, the process is still hard. Practically and emotionally, a lot of women aren’t receiving the support they need to extricate themselves from marriage.
More than half of divorced women (57%) said they did NOT get the support they needed. The majority of women who have divorced also believe that overall women get a worse deal in settlements.
Divorcées reported higher rates of depression (58% of divorced women compared with 40% of all women). They also have higher rates of financial crisis (47% vs 29%). Unsurprisingly, they also scored higher on stress factors.
Divorcing women need more financial advice
We also found that only 9% of women see a financial advisor while they’re divorcing but – aside from legal help – they felt money advice and emotional support are integral to better outcomes. Divorce can a process that a 2-year process. Currently the kind of support available to women divorcing is patchy and piecemeal.
Women need a divorce team
Having a support network is paramount.
Consider this: When we get married, we call upon the help and expertise of a wide circle of people. There are usually bridesmaids, florist, caterer, baker, photographer, someone to help you choose your dress, printer or designer for invitations, hairstylist, DJ or band, perhaps a wedding planner. Even women who get their mother to bake the cake and a friend to take the pictures are calling in help. And no one can get married without enlisting the help of a celebrant and witnesses at the very least.
So why should divorce be any different?
Getting the right team of advisors and helpers while going through the often complicated and distressing process of divorce can transform the process, making it fairer, faster and smoother, as well as providing support so divorcees come out of the process feeling better and more prepared for the next phase.
