Dear Queenagers
Well I’ve spent a lot of this week talking about my book, giving interviews (I like this one in the Irish Times) speaking to podcasts (I’ve done Davina McCall’s new one, and Iain Dale and we’ve just launched our Queenager Podcast too). I’m also on Carole Vorderman’s LBC show this afternoon if you fancy it , and I’ve been writing lots of articles. But whether I am being asked about becoming a midlife entrepreneur (I wrote this piece in the Telegraph) or reinvention after redundancy (The I paper) or my whacky way through a midlife crisis (Good Housekeeping) – the theme I keep coming back to is courage. Trying new things. Taking risks. Which is what this newsletter is about today.
I keep being asked how I had the courage and confidence to reinvent – why I didn’t just take another job in my old industry. Why I took the risk to strike out on a new path championing older women. At my launch party, my publisher Lisa Milton said: “It takes immense courage to speak a new narrative.”
So why did I take the risk?
It would be easy to look back now and say it was all easy. But it really wasn’t. In the aftermath of being whacked by my old employer I felt broken, done, on the scrap heap – as if I had died. I write about this in the book and I can type that sentence now relatively easily. But when I first tried to articulate how I felt, it was terrifying, humiliating – so shameful that my face would be wet with tears as I sat at my lap top. When I first started to write my truth, from the heart, I would quake with fear before I hit send. I’m not really sure why I persisted. It would have been much easier to give up. Believe me I considered it. But I was driven by that Queenager favourite of: if not now, when? (Over half of you agreed with the statement: “I’ve got less time to live than I’ve already had so I need to live it well” in our Queenager research). And I also had a strong sense of: if not me, then who? This needs saying…
For two decades I had written in national newspapers about current affairs often combined with aspects of my life. I knew from that experience that things that were affecting me tended to also be happening to others. So I suppose that gave me some confidence that I wasn’t the only one finding midlife unbearably tough. Feeling done. Finished. And then when I first wrote about how awful I felt after redundancy the article got such a huge response I knew I was onto something. I discovered that when we – metaphorically – take off all our clothes, show our vulnerability – others can feel safe in being naked too. I also realised that there was nothing out there to help and encourage women to reinvent. To cheer us on in our Queenager years; so I thought I would BE the change I wanted to see. (And I’d already found an angel investor and set up the NOON website so by then I was committed to turning my hunch about midlife pivots hitting all of us into my next project.)
A eureka moment was our ground-breaking Rise of the Queenager research which showed me how many other midlife women were also hitting the same pinchpoints (over half). My curve ball was redundancy, but for so many it is a midlife collision of divorce, and bereavement, and looking after elderly parents, and the empty nest, and a teenager in trouble with their mental health, and of course our own health issues and a bit of menopause too. It’s like playing Queenager bingo when I go through that list when I make a speech; I see heads nodding along: yes, and yes and yes… so many of you have had the full house of midlife cluster fxxks.
But what I have learnt from my own experience but also from all of you in so many NOON Circles and events and retreats and trips over the last three years is that if we are going to start again, find our new chapter, become our true selves, be all that we can be at this stage of our lives – then that involves risk. It starts with making one first brave step. Moving out of our comfort zone. I have had this exact conversation with so many of you, particularly when you come to a NOON event for the first time. You sidle up to me and say: “See, I’m here! I did it! I was brave and came! I got out of my comfort zone.” It’s why I always hug everyone. I know how hard it is to do something new.
Many of you have been lurking, reading the newsletter, taking it in, biding your time and then – bang. Something changes, or there is an event near you or you just decide to take the plunge and you come along. It’s a bit like getting into cold water for the first time, uncomfortable for a minute and then delicious, heady, inspiring!
I have seen so much magic happen from that one small step: Jackie, my MD now at NOON, came along to a one-day retreat at Wasing (there is one in October) seeking adventure. Look how that worked out! You turn up at NOON as strangers and within hours are friends – you find your new tribe. Of course, making that change doesn’t have to involve coming to NOON (although I’d like you to!). Life only changes when WE change, when we do something different, change our patterns. Of course that is hard: change is difficult. But by breaking our normal routine, doing something a bit brave we open ourselves up to the possibility of something wonderful happening. When we open ourselves up to the unknown, to uncertainty – yes, there is a risk that things will go wrong – but there is also the new potential of something amazing coming into our lives.
“Isn’t it incredible what happens when we women start backing ourselves, believing in ourselves following our dreams, being brave!” my great friend and former editor Vic Harper texted me when my book came out. Vic ran that very first article of mine about being made redundant and then put her own neck on the line to print our Queenager research with the headline: Only a fool would ignore the power of midlife women. Together we moved the dial.
So, I know I took a risk but I was able to be brave because so many wonderful Queenagers all around me had my back and were cheering me on. I have taken so much strength from all of you. Whatever question I am asked about midlife I know I speak from solid experience and research – because I have sat and talked to all of you about your lives and issues and reinvention and sorrows over so many magical hours. I don’t feel scared when I go out there to speak out the book or NOON because I know I am speaking the truth; this book and this mission resonates with all of you, so I feel confident that it will connect with Queenagers who haven’t found out about it yet too.
And it isn’t the media interviews or the book which was hardest. Sometimes the biggest risks, the parts of this journey that took the most courage were the small things. Getting to grips with VAT and Xero the nitty gritty of business. Learning how to run a LinkedIn live or work Instagram (when I was a grand editor I had a whole social media team who did all that, launching NOON I had to learn how to do the technical stuff myself). That was hard. It is not my forte. I’ve learnt that Youtube videos are my friend. They show me how to do stuff. As a corporate executive I didn’t have to do anything for myself, I just had to issue commands: I spoke it and it was done. In a small start up I am the CEO and content creator and also the tech team and gopher (not so much any more as our team has grown) but for a long time I was. But there is beauty in the small stuff. So much achievement in loading a gallery of pictures onto Substack, for instance. I feel empowered by having learnt so many new practical skills. I am less impatient. I take my time and work it out.
In fact – I now think that the biggest risk we can take at this stage in our lives is to take no risks at all. To stultify. To diminish. To become small. To give up on ourselves and our dreams. Remember that in the 100 year life, 50 is only half way through. It is only lunchtime – we have Much More to Come (as the Olympic commentators keep saying… it always makes me smile).
Our NOON motto is: It is never too late and you are never too old. So ask yourself: what did you always want to do but haven’t got round to yet? What reliably brings you joy? What would you do if you weren’t afraid? What are you waiting for? What will you do with your one wild and precious life? If that feels too huge, then break it down. What could you do today, what tiny step could you take towards your Queenager renaissance? Maybe it’s coming to our events. Or perhaps it’s sorting out your finances, I know, frightening and boring – but the risk of not doing it is worse. If that’s nagging at you come to our Understanding Financial Risk seminar on August 20th (sign up here it’s free). Or join up as a member on noon.org.uk or here on Substack and come to my online book launch next week or one of our events.
Change is difficult. Doing something new is scary. But change will come whether we want it or not. It is the only true constant. How could it not be? In the great scheme of things we are briefly sentient beings, living on a planet spinning in space who exist for a blink of an eye in the time frame of the universe. The chance of us being here at all is incredible – risk is part of life. So be brave dear Queenagers, seize the day.
So much love to you all – and a massive thank you if you who have bought the book. I got such a frisson of childlike pleasure when I went into Waterstones on Tottenham Court Road today and saw it there! Please spread the word, or gift it to a woman who needs it. And if you could leave a review either on Amazon or Waterstones.com (there is still a 50% discount with the code Muchmore50) I would be super grateful… and thanks to all of you we made ir to number four of the Times list of bestselling books in the UK this week! I am beyond thrilled and so grateful to you all for your support.
Ps It is one of the Top New Non Fiction picks, which I am v proud about!
Lots of love
Eleanor
By Eleanor Mills