The Queenager: Eleanor's Letter (April 28th 2024)

Dear Queenagers

Happy Sunday … it’s been quite the week of contrasts.

Today it is 8 degrees in London and walking along the Thames this morning to catch the When Forms Come Alive sculpture exhibition at the Heyward Gallery (bonkers inanimate renderings of animate forms) my head was so cold my ears hurt. By the time we got to dim sum in Chinatown, I needed a whole pot of jasmine tea and copious prawn dumplings just to warm up.

I’ve got seasons-out-of-whack disorder … exactly a week ago I was sitting in 25-degree sun in Galicia, Spain, scoffing octopus (ever since watching My Octopus Teacher I feel terrible about eating them, but wow it was delicious) and swimming in the clear blue waters of the Atlantic. Now in London it feels more like February.

It’s a time of opposites.

The new leaves on the trees are so soft and super-green, I’ve found myself caressing them, while the cherry blossom and bluebells are already withering away. Yet April, the cruellest month, has not yet given way to May’s warmth and flowers.

Well that’s not true, actually.

There are rhododendrons agogo in Kenwood on Hampstead Heath, exploding fireworks of hot pink against the lowering grey sky. But wow it is chilly – I’m back in full thermals and woolly hat for swimming. Which seems crazy when the vegetation all looks so frothy and full of early summer promise. Ha.

No wonder I feel discombobulated. I only just put away all my winter clothes. But it’s been so cold I got my winter coat and tights back out…. And we’ve also had a big transition on the home front. We’ve gone from having 6 weeks of a house full of kids back from university for the (endless) Easter break to their bedrooms being empty and home feeling bizarrely neat and tidy.

Food actually stays in the fridge.

The bathroom is clean.

We are no longer running an all-you-can-eat youth hostel for our daughters and their friends. I miss the camaraderie and the chat, the collapsing on the sofa for a “mumsy” hug in front of Sex and the City or Gilmore Girls. But – whisper it – I quite like the peace and quiet. And it is lovely having my office back. It’s just hard to adjust.

What do midlife celebrations look like?

I’ve been thinking about celebrations this week – partly because of all the hoopla around Posh Spice and her very Queenager 50th Birthday bash, but mainly because I’m gearing up for the launch of my book and planning the party (August 1^st. I hope lots of you will come and if you pre-order now, you pay nothing till then but you’ll massively help in terms of setting it up for success!)

But also because my wonderful host in Spain, Maria Garrido – who turned her midlife clusterfuck into a reason to buy and start up a retreat centre, Terranam Wellness where I was staying – told me such a fab story about her own 50^th birthday celebrations. You can read her own account of it here. But in essence she decided, post divorce, to use her 50^th to “celebrate the present”.

Rather than just inviting the normal friends and family and regulars in her contacts book, she made the occasion an excuse to get back in touch with EVERYONE from all the decades of her life who had brought her joy, made her laugh or helped her.

That included her best friend from when she was 9, mates from her high school in Chicago, sundry uni pals and old colleagues – many of whom she hadn’t been in touch with for 30 years. Even more amazingly, she invited them all to come and stay with her at Terranam Manor, the beautiful old granite farmhouse she bought and renovated in the land of her grandparents Galicia where she now runs retreats. Many of her friends flew halfway across the world for the weekend and many new friendships were formed.

As she told us about it and showed us pictures, she wept. I felt pretty teary myself. It was such a great exemplar of why celebrating our passage through and into midlife is so important.

It’s a time to take stock, to express gratitude to everyone who has helped or ameliorated our journey thus far. And as Posh Spice put it during her flashy 50^th birthday nuptials last week: “I don’t think I have ever felt as loved as I did last night.”

Ideas for your next big celebration

We know midlife comes with its pinch points as well as its upsides – even more reason to remember and celebrate all the good bits. After all, we are all still here, and that is quite a thing!

In fact, I was so struck by Maria’s 50^th story that I decided to make how we celebrate our midlife milestones the theme of last Tuesday’s Noon Circle.

It was such a rich discussion (fuelled by fantastic English bubbly in tins from The Uncommon – click this link and use the code Queenager25 to get 25% off).

One Queenager described reconnecting with an old flame post-divorce as her significant birthday present to herself, another got all her friends to come and pick potatoes with her on the organic farm where she volunteers.

“It actually was great, lots of families came together, many remarked that it was the first time their kids had got off their phones and they had all taken part in a shared activity. In fact, some of them liked it so much they have taken to volunteering with me regularly”.

Some had gone on family trips or had parties (there was a lot of enthusiasm for a party that lasted from 5pm – 8pm, great canapés, good fizz and home in bed by 10pm).

Another described how she had spent the day having quality one-on-one time with her partner and offspring: lunch with one child, breakfast with another and dinner with her husband: “It was a wonderful day,” she said.

Our Editorial Director Jennifer Howze described how she had mustered a posse of her old girlfriends from Texas and treated them to  weekend in the Cotswolds – she’d rented the house and bought some fizz. They surprised her by decorating the whole place with bunting and bringing masks of her face for them all to wear.

“I actually got to talk and hang out with all my favourite people, it was one of my best parties ever!” Jennifer said. Another Queenager said she’d always had huge parties but much preferred the idea of a smaller weekend away with just a few mates. One woman described how she took up residence in her local pub on the day of her birthday and just invited everyone she knew to come along if they could.

I loved the differences in approach – but the uniting theme was clear: How important it is to celebrate ourselves, the people we love and remember how far we have come at this point in our lives.

What I did for my 50^th birthday 

And me? Oh I love a party. My 50^th fell in lockdown, but we managed to go our for dinner en famille (to Noble Rot in Soho, perhaps my favourite restaurant in London). Then as soon as lockdown lifted I celebrated my birthday (a little late) but with mega amounts of margaritas, dancing and hugs at The Groucho Club.

It was a bit like a wedding – I spent the first half of the evening hugging people hello, and the second half hugging them goodbye. I’m not sure I actually spoke to anyone at much length, but I did loads of introductions and felt very well loved – and hugged – and got a great buzz out of seeing so many people I love from different areas of my life discovering and enjoying each other. It was surreal – my old boss chatting to my dad and a school gate mate – those kinds of bundles. But … bliss.

Announcement: NOON Circles are expanding!

Stay tuned if you like the sound of this discussion because our next NOON Circles are going to happen countrywide on Monday May 20th. We’ll be putting out the details of where and how to join later this week. But the plan is to kick it off all together.

I’ll set the theme and do a bit of an intro via Zoom from the Circle in Soho and then we’ll all do our different circles in different places, with the regional leaders reporting back. These will be reserved for Paid Subscribers as usual…

My recent appearance at Mishcon de Reya

Also last week I spoke at a rammed event chaired by Sandra Davis, Partner at Mishcon de Reya and divorce lawyer supreme, all about midlife. It was a panel of fascinating women and Sandra took us all out for supper the night before so we could get to know each other.

Eminent architect Barbara Weiss went first, talking about how her experiences of being a woman in architecture (made redundant 4 times… ) and of how many women were leaving the profession when they became mothers made her push for systemic change within the industry.

Entrepreneur Emma Hague – who created a research platform for medical trials and taught herself to code with a manual and sold out for millions – explained how much she loved solving problems and how she had bootstrapped her company to help it succeed and now passes on her expertise to others. I talked about how here at NOON we are trying to change the narrative about the later stages of women’s lives to something more positive and fit for purpose… which went down pretty well (thanks to all your lovely Queenagers who came along to support me and to Circle Square who help people find purpose after retirement for hosting).

Also on the panel were Melanie Cantor – an ex-showbiz agent who became and novelist at 50 – and who talked about how it had taken her 10 years and 4 unpublished manuscripts to crack her new profession but who now has 2 published books to her name. I’m enjoying her latest The Fuck It List… very Queenager. And last but by no means least was Linda Plant, of the Apprentice – who started her first business at 15 with her dad on a market stall in Leeds and was the second woman after Anita Roddick to float a company on the London stock exchange. She was a pint-sized firecracker.

Her advice? If a door opens, walk through it. Don’t worry about whether you can do it or not, just give it try and see what happens. A great bunch… I learnt a lot!

Highlights from my Terranam retreat

I have been so inspired by all the Queenagers I’ve met and talked to this week – your originality, your courage, your confidence, your humour, your great humanity. My biggest thank you goes to Maria and the team at Terranam for letting us try their gorgeous wellness retreat – the vegetarian food was spectacularly good, I loved Galicia, the warmth, the smell of the eucalyptus forest, our swim in a granite lagoon and walk round an island so pretty with its white sand and blue waters it could have been the Seychelles.

My highlights were a 6.30am Sufi Meditation with Ashraf where for an hour we leapt up and down, screamed out our demons, came to stillness and then with wonderful music were transported to rapture. I felt like I was flying over the estuary out into the ocean; that his transporting meditation had truly given me wings.

Also incredible was the Galician fire ceremony where an ancient Celt recited spells while stirring flames of a potent local brew inside a medieval dovecote. Magic. If you are in need of a rejuvenating break I highly recommend it. Direct flights from London with Ryanair to Santiago de Compostela (don’t forget to visit the cathedral, the dramatic finale to the famous Camino pilgrimage trail).

Downstairs my husband keeps yelling with joy (I believe Arsenal are beating Tottenham); I have 6 brothers and a spouse who are all Gunners. I am not a football fan but by blood and birth I am a Gunner. I know when they play that wherever the family are in the world they will be watching and their moods will reflect the result. So I have learned to pay attention! And yes it is St Totteringham’s Day when Arsenal officially finish ahead of their old rivals… a big moment in my house!

It’s also been a good week for the pro-ageing space. I liked this article about the insanity of the Queenager brain drain by my old friend Jenni Russel in the Times – and if you have been made redundant then do join us for a LinkedIn Live this Wednesday at 15:30 all about rebranding yourself in order to get another job.

Have a wonderful week. Thanks for reading and supporting NOON and me and see you soon.

By Eleanor Mills