8 tips for going grey: What I learned about hair ... and myself

Letting your hair go grey can be freeing. But there are some tips to going grey that keep you chic and feeling great.

In I Feel Bad About my Neck by Nora Ephron – the great comedy chronicler of female angst – there’s an essay called ‘On Maintenance’ in which she says that hair dye “…is the most powerful weapon older women have against the youth culture”. The statement is interesting from the perspective of someone going grey.

Should I go grey?

For a long time I felt like Ephron. And so did my hairdressers. When it became clear I had 2 badger-like stripes of white growing from my temples in my 30s, I started asking them when I should go grey. Never, came the repeated response.

But it niggled.

Changes in my skin tone due to ageing meant my face never really matched my pigment rich hair

It wasn’t just that I wanted to be honest about who I was with me and with the world. It was the cost and time involved in maintaining the impression of youthful blonde, red, brown, and the fact that changes in my skin tone due to ageing meant my face never really matched my pigment rich hair.

So, in January 2020 my hair was dyed for the last time. Like many women, a global pandemic forced the call. I was going, or the more romantic term, ‘honouring’ grey and giving up that frantic mix of denial and fight that maintaining a young appearance involves.

Tips on knowing what your grey hair needs

And that, you’d think, was The End. Except, it wasn’t.

As the brown receded I learned that my hair colour still needed attention. This decision definitely wasn’t about giving up. In some ways, unless you’re ready to let things slide a bit – and I may still go full free-spirited wise old witch in the woods style, but not yet. I wanted to look as good as possible grey.

“Technically, you aren’t going grey, you are going white,” trichologist Sophie MacCorquodale of Salon Sloane says. “It’s only the juxtaposition with remaining dark hair that makes it look grey. Grey hair tends to be concentrated round your face, no one knows why. White hair is divine to look at, but the texture will change.”

1. Recognise ‘going grey’ doesn’t mean ‘giving up’

Some people have all-over sexy silver…or do they?

To lift grey hair and give it a zing you need permanent solutions in salon. Most of these fixes don’t require regular visits like a colour will. So ask yourself, what’s my grey goal?

2. Use shampoo meant for grey hair

Keeping your hair clean is key. Grey hair can be very ‘matte’ as the professionals describe it and only gets, er, ‘matte-er’ as it accumulates dirt. Any ‘cool’ coloured shampoo or conditioner for blonde hair – think ash, violet or platinum – will brighten up greys.  (Avoid anything warm-toned as it will make your hair look like you smoke 40 a day.)

3. Get rid of hard water and product build-up

“Most water pipes have copper in them and so white hair can go a bit yellow,” says MacCorquodale.

Hairstylist Kieran Tudor, who has a natural haircare brand called Centred, suggests I “fit a water softener to your shower head – you’re in a hard water area – to avoid dullness due to limescale residue.” This ain’t gonna happen, I said.

But there is something we can do: “Do a once-a-month apple cider vinegar rinse as this removes build up from hair. Try to keep it as natural as possible, because residues from overly synthetic hair product will only add to dullness. And avoid sulphates in shampoos as this harsh detergent will dehydrate already extra porous grey hair.”

4. Use colour to create different grey looks

In-shower fixes can only take you so far. I’ve yet to tinker with mine, other than an amateur dark streak I made with eyebrow dye. (I was going to a party and wanted my two horns on white to look a bit more dramatic. It kinda worked.)

Famous colourist Josh Wood explains:

For sexy grey: “It all needs to look a bit accidental, bold, loose. By lightening a few strands with ‘microlights’, which are tiny strands of hair, it adds movement and softness where the grey can be perhaps stark and prominent. Just 4 small foils can have a great impact.”

For chic grey: “Try ‘reverse balayage’, with 2 colours blended elegantly through the hair like subtle lowlights, seeing threads of silver rather than blocks. This will show in regrowth, which might defeat the practicalities of going grey in the first place.”

For directional grey: “Get a cut with a bold sharp line. Think Daphne Guiness or Philippa Perry, and add strong slices of colour that look ‘by design’.”

5. Prepare for the transition

Wood says, “You’ve got to get through the regrowth stage, there is no way of avoiding it. Once it’s grown out then you can really see what you’ve got.”

I have to say, now I’m all the way grey, the actual process of getting there was by far the grimmest part of the story. Half crackly pubic grey, half yellowy fading brown is a horrible look, on anyone. I’ve yet to see anyone reinvent grey growth in the same way black roots on beached blonde hair is edgy and cool.

For me, there was an upside to lockdowns, as I could shield my ugly regrowth from public view. For all other times, get a hat.

6. Find your right hairstylist

Make sure you’re working with someone who is really positive about what you want to do.

For many years my colourists and cutters were adamant I should never go grey. It was only when I changed to one who wanted to go on this — without making it sound too bloody melodramatic — journey with me that it started to make sense.

Incredibly, my hair changed in texture as it grew out, and it was in a good way. Yes, my hair was grey, but it was a gorgeous texture. I didn’t realise all hair dye knackers your hair, even if you’re only going brown. Nice textured grey, I could live with.

7. Sleep well and get all your vitamins

Grey hair had a profound impact on me, it became far harder to hide hangovers and crappy sleep. It forced me to take care of myself better. It forced the loathsome term of ‘self care’ on me.

MacCorquodale again: “Hair is a barometer of health. You can have all the treatments in the world but if diet or hormones are out of balance it will show in your hair.

“Hair needs a decent diet for vitamins B and C, iron and lysine especially. Essential fatty acids are crucial to the process of cell division that creates hair. Hormones have a huge impact. HRT is a highly effective hair treatment.”

8. Rethink your blowdries

I assumed blowdries would be a grey-haired lady’s best friend, but actually they can be incredibly ageing if the style is too set or structured. Hairspray seemed to make it crackle like kindling.

What was far more crucial to invest in was a really good cut with a bit of volume and lively upward swoosh that I could loosely style myself. Tudor’s advice: “Step out of the box with the style, go for a modern hair cut and keep the trims regular.”

What I’ve learned from going grey

Today, many interesting midlifers and beyond are ready to show their steel, not least the perfectly perfect Gwyneth Paltrow. I still look at images of a pre-grey me wistfully, and for some people, my hair indicates a kind of post-sexuality.

Grey is still fraught with crucial questions for feminists. Some might say this list is hardly graceful. But I said I was going grey, not that I was giving up. There is a huge difference.

 – Kate Spicer